Being Bullied

Holy shit I'm going to try and keep this short. But I'm watching Cyberbully right now and it has me crying and angry and fucking pissed off and then sobbing. I hate bullies. And I shouldn't because they're people who are insecure and have decided to take their insecurities out in a negative way. But what gives bullies the right to choose people who have a certain glow around them, an aurora of happiness and try and destroy it? You need to find a better way to put your angry and whatever is making you destroy peoples lives into a better outlet. I think bullies and the people being bullied all just need to talk to people. I was stubborn as hell when it was first brought up that I should see a therapist. I thought, I'll have to admit there's something wrong with me. I'll have to admit I always cry, I'll have to admit I'm always angry, I'll have to admit I used to cut myself, I'll have to admit that sometimes I wanted to die but I was too scared. I felt to much for my family and I didn't want to leave them. But here I am aren't I? Admitting all this? On a public site where people can publicly tear me down and destory me. But see they already have. I was destroyed a long time ago. I was literally torn to shreds and that evidence was marked on my skin. I seared my pain away with scissors on my write. Slow short movements because I was actually afraid of the pain and I didn't like it, didn't know why I was doing it but I had heard it reminded you you were alive, but for what purpose? That person was destroyed. That little girl before her gone and ripped away. But I'm a new person now. New found love for life.

But I'm going to be honest with you. . . I'm glad I was bullied the way I was. Now don't get me wrong I wish I was never bullied, I shouldn't have been and I don't know why I was a target of so much hate. I don't know what I did wrong and I literally cried myself to sleep every night in middle school asking myself that question. But if I felt that way then. In 3rd-8th grade. Facebook hit my 7th grade year, Myspace 6th. Cyberbullying hadn't been really a thought, what the fuck are the kids nowadays being bullied like? FUCK that. It makes me so angry. Like so fucking pissed. I AM HERE! I want you to find me and know that those bullies mean nothing. YOU know what they say isn't true and it sucks but please find people who will listen. Adults might sound lame, but sometimes they're the best to turn to to make you feel not so alone. I don't trust have of the kids in my age group. Which is probably why I have a very small circle of friends and that took years of them going through some serious shit with me and stuck with me to make me realize I could trust them. I am so thankful actions are being taken against cyberbullying. Because there's a scene (and yes I realize it's an ABCFamily movie but this actually happens so I don't think I'm taking this movie too literally) where the mother tries to call an attorney to try and fight for her daughter and the attorney goes "I can't do anything if it didn't happen in person." are you fucking kidding me? Her bullies almost committed murder because this girl tried to take her own life because of them. . . I have never cried so hard in my entire life. This subject upsets me so much. Whether you're being bullied because you're fat, gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, you're beautiful and I believe in you and everything you're capable of. Truth be told these people are the ones who will change the world, not the bullies, not the kids who spend their time bullying people in school instead of getting an education. And I don't want to hate on bullies. I want to help bullies. I want to help everyone. I try and not have a shit take on life, I really try and see good in people. But movies like this, make me realize maybe some people just don't have good. Because what kind of heart and soul 2can you have that deems this acceptable? To punish someone for nothing and punish them to their death. . . I wish suicide wasn't a concept something not possible something no one ever knew about. I don't like it. It honestly makes me break down into sobbing fits thinking about kids who are still just kids taking their lives and never getting to see what they turn out to be. If someone had told me 4-5 years ago. I'd be going to Community College right now, I'd not be working at Price Chopper anymore, I'd have found a perfect family to work for instead with three beautiful sons, one with Cerebral Palsy who is smarter than me, and one daughter, I'd tell you none of that will happen. But if I had taken my life in 7th grade, I'd never know. And honestly not meeting that family, not meeting my Jack, or my Matthew dude, or my Sammy man. Not going to GCC and meeting all the friends I have there. I can't imagine THAT.

Am I making ANY sense? I'm rambling I know that. My blogs seem to be about a bunch of random rants and weird shit. I just want to try and explain who I am. I want to try and explain that I feel so deeply, love so fiercely , am the most loyal person. I will have your back till the day I die. I feel the wind every day and take a moment to close my eyes and let it wash over me. I smell the grass every morning. I take a book out just to smell the pages, I bury my face into my dogs fur and breathe in her scent and hold on to her like she's the last thing I'll ever see again. I make myself cry just thinking about these things because for the last few years. After finding a therapist who I love so much feel comfortable texting and ranting about a bad day or a happy day or a whatever kind of day, after find the joy in my life I never thought possible I have no made it my life long goal to help you find yours. I want you to find your joy, to find your love that's inside you waiting to bust free. You have to start with admitting things to yourself, the good and the bad. I had to admit that I had feelings of failure and hatred that I thought myself ugly everyday and somedays I wanted to break the mirrors that showed my face. I had to admit all of that, which is easy the not so easy part is picking up those mirror shards, taping them together and looking at it and finding all my imperfections beautiful. On the outside, I love my long flowing hair, my sparkling ever changing eyes, I love my smile. On the inside, I love the way I love, I love the way I feel deeply for life. I know I'm beautiful. I also know my ugly side. You have to admit all this, feel it, let it go, bring it back and take in life again.

Please believe me. What people say to you won't matter years from now when you're somewhere else in the world and you never talk to those people again. You have to be the one that says I'm going to make it to that place where I never see those people again. I'm going to make it to the job I've always wanted, the country I've always wanted to visit. It's not six feet under letting the bullies win. They don't deserve that, you do.

Please fight. Please win. Don't give up. Don't let go.