An ENTIRE book played out in my head last night and this is what's left of it

She's laying there unconscious he's staring at her intently. He'll have to leave soon and he doesn't know if she'll wake to remember him or remember any of it. He grazes all the parts of her he has once touched hoping the electricity he's feeling through his finger tips as they slowly go up her arm are penetrating her skin and reaching her blood and bringing it back to her heart.  Finally after his finger tips have explored every part he has already been, her forehead, nose, cheeks, neck, arms. There is one place missing, one thing missing. And he slowly brings his finger tips to his lips and then gentle brush them across hers. At least they got to have one kiss goodbye. He pulls back and turns away, his hand dangling near hers is suddenly entwined with warmth, someone is latching on and there is a fast pulse running through it. He whips around to see her already sitting up, hand glued to his her eyes dart around frantically trying to piece how this all happened why she is here. And then she looks at him and he's scared that hand will let go and everything will crack right in front of him. Afraid she'll lose it and scream for him to get out, who are you, all these terrible things that he knows will break him down to nothing. But instead she looks at him, those long black eyelashes, those soft green eyes, look at him with such sweetness, such worry, and such happiness he's not at all sure what she's thinking. He's about to speak softly, say his name and begin the story of all of this. But instead when he sits and leans into her, she leans back and just kisses him. The warmth of their lips meet and suddenly his whole body is just gone. Gone to the heat, the soft wind that blows in through the window, the beatings of his rapid heart. Everything feels gone, except for those things, he doesn't feel like anything, kissing her it's so new, so incredible. Who was he again? Who was she? It oddly seemed for a moment it was the two of them as one, one person in that room and no one else. Sharing this moment. The heat ran through his body like lightning striking at random moments. Goosebumps rising on his left arm, a sigh falls from in between their lips. the tingling feeling flutters up his neck leaving trails of cold air that is quickly replaced by her warm hands and he forgets where he is until she wraps him back up again and pulls him under. When he pulls away, holding on to the beds rails is all he can do from passing out from lack of oxygen. His heart is hammering, stomach fluttering and he's lips already feel swollen and red. He touches them quickly quietly as to make sure this is real, she's awake and simply wanted to kiss him. She remembers. And as he looks at her she answers, "Of course I remember you Finn." "I love you, Emma."

**POV**

Of course he loves me, I know that but it's so hard to accept. I love him but it's so hard for me to accept. I can say it and mean it but there will be something underneath something else that I will be destined to search for the rest of my life, the real truth of why I can say these things and mean them with all my heart but not have the emotions attached. I should be crying, a normal woman would be crying after nearly dying waking up and knowing he's there waiting on you. Brushing past your lips with the slightest touch of his warm, soft fingertips. I could smell his hands, his working hands. He probably spent hours trying to brush away the farms day off, the dirt and manure, paint and hay. I smelt all those things and I knew he was here, I was safe. So instantly safe that from whatever place I was in he brought me back and I snapped out of it shot right up and grabbed the hand of the man who I knew I was in love with and who was about to leave me. As he sits I can tell he's scared I'm going to meltdown and not know him. Not know everything that has happened, and maybe I should, isn't that what's suppose to happen. You brain cuts those things off so it can heal until you're ready to remember but I remember everything, so it's either that I'm a fast healer or there's something wrong with my brain. But something being wrong with me is nothing new. So as he leans in and I can softly here the beginnings of "Hi I'm Fin-" I cut him off and kiss him instead. Determined  to make him feel every inch of what I felt as I lay there and feel his fingertips trace my body, he was waking me up but I couldn't call out to him yet. I was screaming it in my head "FINN" FINN" but my voice was trapped up there in my brain it's not even in the right place. He touches me in the sweetest of places. Of all the places we have slowly explored of each other, softly, gently. He touches my forehead and wipes a strand away from my face and I cry as I remember the beach wind whipping my hair up around our faces and Finn putting his arms up between us so my hair wouldn't whip us in the face and we were cracking up and finally Finn gave up and rolled over right on top of me. He pinned all my hair down to the sand and hollered out "Too late now wind you can't get us." I giggled at his foolishness but at the moment he leaned in closer than we ever had been before. My giggle was quickly stifled  and my breathe was almost nonexistent. And he just lay there, above me lips so close to mine and he took his fingertips gently across my forehead and whipped away my falling hair. And then he got up, leaving my lips dry and empty. And that's why he did it. The one place we hadn't explored, the one place we hadn't been but were getting to until this awful accident. His fingertips finally reach my lips and I can smell him, breathe him in and like a breathe of fresh air I'm awake and he's there and he's mine.

"I love you too, Finn." I say back after what feels like hours of hesitation, his lights up and his lips find mine again and I realize I do love Finn, I just have to let him love me. I'll try and push away try and not get hurt but I can't I need him to love me and I think he'll be okay at this new realization of mine. I'm going to let him love me. So I don't pull back from the kiss I go in deeper and the only thing that's stopping us is at some point we'll need air and food to survive.





Super fucking lame I know. But roll with the punches. This was just a super rough draft of a DREAM I had, obviously dreams are hard to recreate and dreams are perfect so obviously on paper this isn't as perfect as it was. but hey I'm rolling with it.

Also super bad grammar, punctuation and shifts of person. like third to first, obviously. I will edit it bit by bit. But to be honest, two days later, not in my Ambien (sleeping pill) state of mind this is pretty good. And I'm liking it and STILL rolling with it.

Trying some writing excersises

So this is the first writing exercise I might immediately delete because I am under the influence of my sleeping pill and I'm afraid of what will be written when it takes over control. So quick quick let's begin. and Let's begin by saying that why I love this rather fun loving drug it's affects are so strange in the fact that in my mind I am seeing this as a meeting. That you words have come together to see what we are here to be discussed. Now as we know Cassidy never speaks when she writes. To us, she is silent, but we all know the real Cassidy and just how crazy that is but right now she's not even in her own state of mind. She is in ours, she's studying our words and the way they're formed. The importance of words. She's interested in what we do on our down time. When we're not need, like when people are sleeping for instance. Do books have dancing parties where they meet the page that is above them most of them time and dance around in a flame of fiery words she had discarded that day anyway. It is a funeral of shorts for the words, saying good-bye to the words that didn't make the cut, weren't needed in the most recent book of the Lady's precious book. Just the other day that fiery funeral consisted of 'It's' family boy 'tittle', the 'it's' family had thought of the word and created him and keep them as their own it was meant to be an accented way to say 'little' for the four-year-old boy character the Lady is writing for. But she thought that did not sit well with her, no it didn't and she marked it in the pile of words that are not useful. The 'it's' family is quite distraught they'll have to discard of tittle He was so kind innocent. Being so new and all he very much resembled the baby. The it's wanted to grow him up into a bigger better word but no Lady won't have it and since she cant' hear our thoughts and we can't see her, Tittle will have to be destroyed. . . tittle . . . tittle. . . tittle. . . tittl. . . titt. . . tit. . . ti. . . t. . . . . and just like that he was gone WAHHHHHHHHHHHH WAHHHHHHHHHHHHH MY BABY MY BABY the words have no place anymore on this page. where is this page going? where am I? I'm no where between the words market and apples. That's where I'm suppose to be. WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH MY BABY. WHY is somebody screaming? It's has just lost her baby ma'am tittle. . . Oh well that's a dear shame my heart goes out to you It's I'll stop by with Mr.Letter's famous Printing Pie. it will help the grief hunny. BAAAAAAAA thank you BAAAAAA       BAAAABBABAAA the sobbing can still be heard all the way till the end of the page. My goodness gracious Lady has got us in a uproar of chaos with this new book of hers. All over the place we are, I have never meet a woman so disagreeable as It's and the way the apostrophe can either exist or not exist. Honestly most complicated woman in my entire life. And her sobbing all over the place? Unacceptable. This town we don't have those kinds of emotions 'Unless they're written for us, Mrs. Books.' Ah yes I guess you're right at that, That. But good heavens this book needs to happen fast this page is driving me bonkers. . . LET US OUT LADY .  . .

NEWS FLASH NEW FLASH:

Lady has updated her book, she would like all the words to know that she has decided to keep them in their choas until further notice. WHHHHHHAT?! This is maddness, LADY MY NAME IS MADDNESS AND THIS WILL NOT STAND. . .

SILENCE. . . I am Lady this is just a writing exercise. No book is being written no book shall ever use this behavior and chaos on this page. Until it is tided up and fixed up proper. Where It's can perhaps be as proper as you, Mrs.Books one day. . . have I offended anyone here? It's is just as a person as you. And this meeting is run entirely by me. This page is being written the EXACT way I want it to be written so I'm sorry Mrs. Books but if you don't like it. I can have you characters name be thrown in the fire. . . AUDIBLE GASPS come from the crowd.

Mrs. Books. Well I never, I was simply saying. I know what you were saying Mrs. Books. that you have a way of order and I don't and that everything should be laid out in order before writing even begins. But see here's that idea and here's me tossing into the fire pit. Fuck that idea, excuse my french Mrs. Books but this is actually kind of fun pretending, while on a very intense sleep aid pill like I'm talking actually talking to the words that I'm writing. While not even speaking I'm just having this conversation in my head and writing it down at the same time. It's all so crazy isn't it? But awesome. This should be a book. Really it should be. Funny, witty, cute, humorous could be a kids book. That'd add a nice touch silly paintings to go in it. Anyways this meeting is adjourned for now. There is another pressing matter I must attend to before it slips my mind. Condolences to the families who lost words today. I can always bring them back, in other books just not in this one. I'm sorry.

Good day to you all.

Being Bullied

Holy shit I'm going to try and keep this short. But I'm watching Cyberbully right now and it has me crying and angry and fucking pissed off and then sobbing. I hate bullies. And I shouldn't because they're people who are insecure and have decided to take their insecurities out in a negative way. But what gives bullies the right to choose people who have a certain glow around them, an aurora of happiness and try and destroy it? You need to find a better way to put your angry and whatever is making you destroy peoples lives into a better outlet. I think bullies and the people being bullied all just need to talk to people. I was stubborn as hell when it was first brought up that I should see a therapist. I thought, I'll have to admit there's something wrong with me. I'll have to admit I always cry, I'll have to admit I'm always angry, I'll have to admit I used to cut myself, I'll have to admit that sometimes I wanted to die but I was too scared. I felt to much for my family and I didn't want to leave them. But here I am aren't I? Admitting all this? On a public site where people can publicly tear me down and destory me. But see they already have. I was destroyed a long time ago. I was literally torn to shreds and that evidence was marked on my skin. I seared my pain away with scissors on my write. Slow short movements because I was actually afraid of the pain and I didn't like it, didn't know why I was doing it but I had heard it reminded you you were alive, but for what purpose? That person was destroyed. That little girl before her gone and ripped away. But I'm a new person now. New found love for life.

But I'm going to be honest with you. . . I'm glad I was bullied the way I was. Now don't get me wrong I wish I was never bullied, I shouldn't have been and I don't know why I was a target of so much hate. I don't know what I did wrong and I literally cried myself to sleep every night in middle school asking myself that question. But if I felt that way then. In 3rd-8th grade. Facebook hit my 7th grade year, Myspace 6th. Cyberbullying hadn't been really a thought, what the fuck are the kids nowadays being bullied like? FUCK that. It makes me so angry. Like so fucking pissed. I AM HERE! I want you to find me and know that those bullies mean nothing. YOU know what they say isn't true and it sucks but please find people who will listen. Adults might sound lame, but sometimes they're the best to turn to to make you feel not so alone. I don't trust have of the kids in my age group. Which is probably why I have a very small circle of friends and that took years of them going through some serious shit with me and stuck with me to make me realize I could trust them. I am so thankful actions are being taken against cyberbullying. Because there's a scene (and yes I realize it's an ABCFamily movie but this actually happens so I don't think I'm taking this movie too literally) where the mother tries to call an attorney to try and fight for her daughter and the attorney goes "I can't do anything if it didn't happen in person." are you fucking kidding me? Her bullies almost committed murder because this girl tried to take her own life because of them. . . I have never cried so hard in my entire life. This subject upsets me so much. Whether you're being bullied because you're fat, gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, you're beautiful and I believe in you and everything you're capable of. Truth be told these people are the ones who will change the world, not the bullies, not the kids who spend their time bullying people in school instead of getting an education. And I don't want to hate on bullies. I want to help bullies. I want to help everyone. I try and not have a shit take on life, I really try and see good in people. But movies like this, make me realize maybe some people just don't have good. Because what kind of heart and soul 2can you have that deems this acceptable? To punish someone for nothing and punish them to their death. . . I wish suicide wasn't a concept something not possible something no one ever knew about. I don't like it. It honestly makes me break down into sobbing fits thinking about kids who are still just kids taking their lives and never getting to see what they turn out to be. If someone had told me 4-5 years ago. I'd be going to Community College right now, I'd not be working at Price Chopper anymore, I'd have found a perfect family to work for instead with three beautiful sons, one with Cerebral Palsy who is smarter than me, and one daughter, I'd tell you none of that will happen. But if I had taken my life in 7th grade, I'd never know. And honestly not meeting that family, not meeting my Jack, or my Matthew dude, or my Sammy man. Not going to GCC and meeting all the friends I have there. I can't imagine THAT.

Am I making ANY sense? I'm rambling I know that. My blogs seem to be about a bunch of random rants and weird shit. I just want to try and explain who I am. I want to try and explain that I feel so deeply, love so fiercely , am the most loyal person. I will have your back till the day I die. I feel the wind every day and take a moment to close my eyes and let it wash over me. I smell the grass every morning. I take a book out just to smell the pages, I bury my face into my dogs fur and breathe in her scent and hold on to her like she's the last thing I'll ever see again. I make myself cry just thinking about these things because for the last few years. After finding a therapist who I love so much feel comfortable texting and ranting about a bad day or a happy day or a whatever kind of day, after find the joy in my life I never thought possible I have no made it my life long goal to help you find yours. I want you to find your joy, to find your love that's inside you waiting to bust free. You have to start with admitting things to yourself, the good and the bad. I had to admit that I had feelings of failure and hatred that I thought myself ugly everyday and somedays I wanted to break the mirrors that showed my face. I had to admit all of that, which is easy the not so easy part is picking up those mirror shards, taping them together and looking at it and finding all my imperfections beautiful. On the outside, I love my long flowing hair, my sparkling ever changing eyes, I love my smile. On the inside, I love the way I love, I love the way I feel deeply for life. I know I'm beautiful. I also know my ugly side. You have to admit all this, feel it, let it go, bring it back and take in life again.

Please believe me. What people say to you won't matter years from now when you're somewhere else in the world and you never talk to those people again. You have to be the one that says I'm going to make it to that place where I never see those people again. I'm going to make it to the job I've always wanted, the country I've always wanted to visit. It's not six feet under letting the bullies win. They don't deserve that, you do.

Please fight. Please win. Don't give up. Don't let go.