Thursday, April 26, 2012

An ENTIRE book played out in my head last night and this is what's left of it

She's laying there unconscious he's staring at her intently. He'll have to leave soon and he doesn't know if she'll wake to remember him or remember any of it. He grazes all the parts of her he has once touched hoping the electricity he's feeling through his finger tips as they slowly go up her arm are penetrating her skin and reaching her blood and bringing it back to her heart.  Finally after his finger tips have explored every part he has already been, her forehead, nose, cheeks, neck, arms. There is one place missing, one thing missing. And he slowly brings his finger tips to his lips and then gentle brush them across hers. At least they got to have one kiss goodbye. He pulls back and turns away, his hand dangling near hers is suddenly entwined with warmth, someone is latching on and there is a fast pulse running through it. He whips around to see her already sitting up, hand glued to his her eyes dart around frantically trying to piece how this all happened why she is here. And then she looks at him and he's scared that hand will let go and everything will crack right in front of him. Afraid she'll lose it and scream for him to get out, who are you, all these terrible things that he knows will break him down to nothing. But instead she looks at him, those long black eyelashes, those soft green eyes, look at him with such sweetness, such worry, and such happiness he's not at all sure what she's thinking. He's about to speak softly, say his name and begin the story of all of this. But instead when he sits and leans into her, she leans back and just kisses him. The warmth of their lips meet and suddenly his whole body is just gone. Gone to the heat, the soft wind that blows in through the window, the beatings of his rapid heart. Everything feels gone, except for those things, he doesn't feel like anything, kissing her it's so new, so incredible. Who was he again? Who was she? It oddly seemed for a moment it was the two of them as one, one person in that room and no one else. Sharing this moment. The heat ran through his body like lightning striking at random moments. Goosebumps rising on his left arm, a sigh falls from in between their lips. the tingling feeling flutters up his neck leaving trails of cold air that is quickly replaced by her warm hands and he forgets where he is until she wraps him back up again and pulls him under. When he pulls away, holding on to the beds rails is all he can do from passing out from lack of oxygen. His heart is hammering, stomach fluttering and he's lips already feel swollen and red. He touches them quickly quietly as to make sure this is real, she's awake and simply wanted to kiss him. She remembers. And as he looks at her she answers, "Of course I remember you Finn." "I love you, Emma."

**POV**

Of course he loves me, I know that but it's so hard to accept. I love him but it's so hard for me to accept. I can say it and mean it but there will be something underneath something else that I will be destined to search for the rest of my life, the real truth of why I can say these things and mean them with all my heart but not have the emotions attached. I should be crying, a normal woman would be crying after nearly dying waking up and knowing he's there waiting on you. Brushing past your lips with the slightest touch of his warm, soft fingertips. I could smell his hands, his working hands. He probably spent hours trying to brush away the farms day off, the dirt and manure, paint and hay. I smelt all those things and I knew he was here, I was safe. So instantly safe that from whatever place I was in he brought me back and I snapped out of it shot right up and grabbed the hand of the man who I knew I was in love with and who was about to leave me. As he sits I can tell he's scared I'm going to meltdown and not know him. Not know everything that has happened, and maybe I should, isn't that what's suppose to happen. You brain cuts those things off so it can heal until you're ready to remember but I remember everything, so it's either that I'm a fast healer or there's something wrong with my brain. But something being wrong with me is nothing new. So as he leans in and I can softly here the beginnings of "Hi I'm Fin-" I cut him off and kiss him instead. Determined  to make him feel every inch of what I felt as I lay there and feel his fingertips trace my body, he was waking me up but I couldn't call out to him yet. I was screaming it in my head "FINN" FINN" but my voice was trapped up there in my brain it's not even in the right place. He touches me in the sweetest of places. Of all the places we have slowly explored of each other, softly, gently. He touches my forehead and wipes a strand away from my face and I cry as I remember the beach wind whipping my hair up around our faces and Finn putting his arms up between us so my hair wouldn't whip us in the face and we were cracking up and finally Finn gave up and rolled over right on top of me. He pinned all my hair down to the sand and hollered out "Too late now wind you can't get us." I giggled at his foolishness but at the moment he leaned in closer than we ever had been before. My giggle was quickly stifled  and my breathe was almost nonexistent. And he just lay there, above me lips so close to mine and he took his fingertips gently across my forehead and whipped away my falling hair. And then he got up, leaving my lips dry and empty. And that's why he did it. The one place we hadn't explored, the one place we hadn't been but were getting to until this awful accident. His fingertips finally reach my lips and I can smell him, breathe him in and like a breathe of fresh air I'm awake and he's there and he's mine.

"I love you too, Finn." I say back after what feels like hours of hesitation, his lights up and his lips find mine again and I realize I do love Finn, I just have to let him love me. I'll try and push away try and not get hurt but I can't I need him to love me and I think he'll be okay at this new realization of mine. I'm going to let him love me. So I don't pull back from the kiss I go in deeper and the only thing that's stopping us is at some point we'll need air and food to survive.





Super fucking lame I know. But roll with the punches. This was just a super rough draft of a DREAM I had, obviously dreams are hard to recreate and dreams are perfect so obviously on paper this isn't as perfect as it was. but hey I'm rolling with it.

Also super bad grammar, punctuation and shifts of person. like third to first, obviously. I will edit it bit by bit. But to be honest, two days later, not in my Ambien (sleeping pill) state of mind this is pretty good. And I'm liking it and STILL rolling with it.

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