That is actually a current song I am in love with, that I literally found the other day. But it ties into this whole blog so it is the title of it. Haha.
I've been thinking a lot about life, obviously, who doesn't. And where it's going. I, of course, have the dream of being a Journalist and writer of some sort although that career choice is a hard one to become a part of. It's very low income, and very hard to get jobs in general, since the world of paper is quickly disappearing. But I have other dreams, other dreams, I'm afraid should just remain dreams because of many reasons. One: I wouldn't know where to start. And two: I'm just to afraid to pursue them.
I dream of doing something I love more than even writing itself, which is saying something. I have a dream of dancing, and while the dancing world really doesn't have a place for me. I don't exactly have the dancers body and while I love hip-hop and can dance farely well, I wouldn't hold a candle to the many Hip-Hop dancers/choreographers I idolize. I do often, however, choreograph things. In my mind, when I hear a good song, like My love by Sia for instance. I am instantly forming moves in my mind. Imagining duets or even groups of people learning my work, following me. I think I would give anything to be able to translate even one of the pieces I have stuck in my mind onto a dance floor. It would probably bring tears to my eyes, although just about everything brings tears to my eyes. But I am afraid I know nothing about dance, a few terms here and there but I wouldn't even be able to explain my work to others which made me think that I could learn, teach myself. And while I can't physical do the things I create in my mind, I could explain it to others who could, watch it unfold in front of my eyes. See my dreams coming true. All people want that right? But I wouldn't know where to start. And I am far to afraid to venture there, I would do what I always do and doubt myself. What kind of job is persuing a dance career as a choreography when I can't phyiscal dance? What kind of money would I make? Not nearly enough as I should make as an adult. And what if my ideas actually suck, maybe they're just better to stay in my mind. Something to dream about, that makes me happy in a world that so oftens tries to tear me down. I know I have one thing that always lifts my spirits, and that's dance.
Which is why I'll never regret my tattoo "Hip-Hop saved my life." because I know it did, I don't exactly know where'd I'd be if I didn't try and dance. And although I might not feel like I belong to the place where I started anymore, that's okay. I know that it saved my life and no one can try and take that away from me. But anyways, when I come to realizations in my life, I like to not forget them. And ever since I made this blog, this is where I come to write them down. So that I can always remember, in times that seem so tough, that I can always keep dreaming and maybe someday I'll find a way to bring those dreams to the surface and make them come true.
Until next time,
CassidyDoris.
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Coming into Adulthood
So I've been thinking about this a lot. This whole, I'm grown up thing. High School is officially over and now it's the real thing, and it's not to say I haven't been living in the real thing this whole time, but it's just really different after High School. At least to me, I just feel it, it's a realization almost everyday that there really is an endless span of possibilities in front of me. Just a span of the complete unknown, and it seems a little daunting. How am I possibly suppose to figure all this how? How am I suppose to know if I'm doing the right thing or on the right path? This week has been a lot of that for me, not the answers really but I just found out a lot about myself I guess you could say.
This past week I was house sitting, looking after two wild dogs and living in a lonely house. At least it was lonely to me. I'm not used to how it is in Vernon, living next to the sound of constant buses at 7 am and movement from then on, it was just a change. I also have slept with my TV every since I was a child, a fear of the dark it became the solution to my problems and now it's the silence I fear so it stays on even at my 18 years of age. And she didn't have a TV in her room. So most nights I would fall asleep on the couch to the sound of the it wake in the middle of the night to the dogs barking for some odd reason and crawl into her bed with the light on (all right I should admit. I am still slightly afraid of the dark, something I can overcome when I'm surrounded by people but can't do alone.) Along with that came the sudden realization that I depend on people far too much. I hated being there alone, the dogs were company but not enough and I realized I was left to my own thoughts, which I very much try to avoid because my thoughts aren't always the kindest. Now I must also add that I am finally back home and in my own bed and my own dog is lying next to me and I can say that I have missed all of this so much but I also must write this, because being the writer that I am I can't let all these thoughts slip away.
Throughout this week I have been spending time with my own thoughts and have tried to figure out some of my problems. . . haha sounds interesting right? Especially because how can you possibly figure out all your problems in a week, but lets just say it was a good week for a few realizations. In this span of time I also picked up Eat Pray Love again which for some odd reason I stopped reading half way through, probably because it's been a rough, busy few months since I last read it and a lot of these realizations came because of this book.
I remember talking to my dad one night before I went to bed and he was asking me how I was dealing with my own 'crib' and I mentioned how odd it felt. I didn't like coming home to nothing and no one and my dad said "it's because your a social person, you surround yourself with people and are used to it." which is true, and it's not a bad thing but I feel that my reasons for being the social person I am is to hide from my own flaws, fears and thoughts. There are things I like to keep hidden, even from myself. I try to lock them in a trunk I suppose and act like it isn't sitting there rattling in the corner dying to get out. The trunk constantly threatens to burst open without my permission, regardless of all the locks I have put on it. My mind often wanders to the most important thing, I think all of us humans have in common and is mentioned in Eat Pray Love quite a bit, love. The need for it, the search for it, the desperation of finding love so that we may not suffer this life alone. The only love I have ever faced are the two men I have mentioned previously. I have nothing else to think of except for one of them, the most recent one because I have no one else to focus all the pain on. But I realized why do I have to have someone else to focus on? And it's really because it's all I've ever known. I have always had crushes on boys, always imagined my first kiss being perfect and I have always never let yy broken heart fully heal because as soon as I found my answers to one boy (the answer was ummmm no) then I was finding a new crush, a new person to let my heart ponder over when all it really wanted was a break. I go through phases, heartbreak, crying, then anger, hate, and then back to what I think is love and how I am need to have them back in my life, but then sometimes I find someone to focus it on and I forget all about it and suddenly I feel 'healed.'
With my most recent heartbreak, I'm at the final stage, where it has been a constant belief of mine that maybe I need to try and find a way to bring him back into my life, I feel like I'm missing out on something. And I can't move on because there's no one else to focus my thoughts and feelings on, but you know what? I don't want to be that girl who feels the need to have a guy in her life just to feel complete and although I haven't in quite sometime it is something I am constantly thinking about. Constantly wondering if I'm going to find someone, etc. I far to often find my mind telling me no, to so many things it lets me wander off and think of a life absoultely alone, it lets me wander to embarrassing moments that have happened so long ago that probably no one who was even apart of it remembers. But my mind lets me remember, it lets me tell myself that I am useless, worthless and an embarrasment.
And the thing I am trying to get at most is that I am done harboring these thoughts (Can't take the credit. Liz Gilbert, Eat Pray Love. Also this should be advertisement enough to pick this book up, it has really helped me realize many things even if I can't relate at all to what she is going through it keeps it open for you to connect in some way to her and her life and try and heal yourself.) So here is my final thoughts and they are directed to you, although you will never see this. . .
I will love you, I will hate you, I may forgive you and I may not, and sometimes I am so angry at the way you made me feel like a fool, the way you hurt me but you know what I am going to try and do. Accept that I am going to feel these things towards you and then you know what I am going to do with all of it? I am going to let it go, just let them go into the universe and never to return to me. The things I tell myself I must also let go. I will repeat these words, I will not harbor unhealthy thoughts anymore. See, I know that I am strong, I always have been, but I can be stronger and it is because I must learn to let go. And it is not like this will suddenly happen but I will find a way to teach myself. I will learn to take some time to just let me mind wind down, shut down and completely go blank and then maybe I will open that trunk piece by piece to open my trunk and let the things I keep locked inside go. A little saying I found in the book that I took a fondness too, in Italian, Devo farmi le ossa, which means "I need to make my bones."
I am going to need to start from scratch build myself up and let some things go. And here's where I mentioned in a pervious blog a life journey we must take alone, this is my own quest, my own path which will help me further adapt into Adulthood but I will not truly be alone because as my dad says I am a social person and there are so many true a loving friends that I have that I can turn to if I am ever scared or I feel I may falter and forget this blog all together. They will refer me back to this, my own thoughts and will help me remind myself to breathe. And I know not all of this makes sense to maybe just about everybody but myself but I know there is so much truth for me in these relazations and as I read this back is makes just as must since to me as the first time I thought of it in my head, as I came to these realizations. And I know that it is now time for me to make my bones.
Until next time,
CassidyDoris
This past week I was house sitting, looking after two wild dogs and living in a lonely house. At least it was lonely to me. I'm not used to how it is in Vernon, living next to the sound of constant buses at 7 am and movement from then on, it was just a change. I also have slept with my TV every since I was a child, a fear of the dark it became the solution to my problems and now it's the silence I fear so it stays on even at my 18 years of age. And she didn't have a TV in her room. So most nights I would fall asleep on the couch to the sound of the it wake in the middle of the night to the dogs barking for some odd reason and crawl into her bed with the light on (all right I should admit. I am still slightly afraid of the dark, something I can overcome when I'm surrounded by people but can't do alone.) Along with that came the sudden realization that I depend on people far too much. I hated being there alone, the dogs were company but not enough and I realized I was left to my own thoughts, which I very much try to avoid because my thoughts aren't always the kindest. Now I must also add that I am finally back home and in my own bed and my own dog is lying next to me and I can say that I have missed all of this so much but I also must write this, because being the writer that I am I can't let all these thoughts slip away.
Throughout this week I have been spending time with my own thoughts and have tried to figure out some of my problems. . . haha sounds interesting right? Especially because how can you possibly figure out all your problems in a week, but lets just say it was a good week for a few realizations. In this span of time I also picked up Eat Pray Love again which for some odd reason I stopped reading half way through, probably because it's been a rough, busy few months since I last read it and a lot of these realizations came because of this book.
I remember talking to my dad one night before I went to bed and he was asking me how I was dealing with my own 'crib' and I mentioned how odd it felt. I didn't like coming home to nothing and no one and my dad said "it's because your a social person, you surround yourself with people and are used to it." which is true, and it's not a bad thing but I feel that my reasons for being the social person I am is to hide from my own flaws, fears and thoughts. There are things I like to keep hidden, even from myself. I try to lock them in a trunk I suppose and act like it isn't sitting there rattling in the corner dying to get out. The trunk constantly threatens to burst open without my permission, regardless of all the locks I have put on it. My mind often wanders to the most important thing, I think all of us humans have in common and is mentioned in Eat Pray Love quite a bit, love. The need for it, the search for it, the desperation of finding love so that we may not suffer this life alone. The only love I have ever faced are the two men I have mentioned previously. I have nothing else to think of except for one of them, the most recent one because I have no one else to focus all the pain on. But I realized why do I have to have someone else to focus on? And it's really because it's all I've ever known. I have always had crushes on boys, always imagined my first kiss being perfect and I have always never let yy broken heart fully heal because as soon as I found my answers to one boy (the answer was ummmm no) then I was finding a new crush, a new person to let my heart ponder over when all it really wanted was a break. I go through phases, heartbreak, crying, then anger, hate, and then back to what I think is love and how I am need to have them back in my life, but then sometimes I find someone to focus it on and I forget all about it and suddenly I feel 'healed.'
With my most recent heartbreak, I'm at the final stage, where it has been a constant belief of mine that maybe I need to try and find a way to bring him back into my life, I feel like I'm missing out on something. And I can't move on because there's no one else to focus my thoughts and feelings on, but you know what? I don't want to be that girl who feels the need to have a guy in her life just to feel complete and although I haven't in quite sometime it is something I am constantly thinking about. Constantly wondering if I'm going to find someone, etc. I far to often find my mind telling me no, to so many things it lets me wander off and think of a life absoultely alone, it lets me wander to embarrassing moments that have happened so long ago that probably no one who was even apart of it remembers. But my mind lets me remember, it lets me tell myself that I am useless, worthless and an embarrasment.
And the thing I am trying to get at most is that I am done harboring these thoughts (Can't take the credit. Liz Gilbert, Eat Pray Love. Also this should be advertisement enough to pick this book up, it has really helped me realize many things even if I can't relate at all to what she is going through it keeps it open for you to connect in some way to her and her life and try and heal yourself.) So here is my final thoughts and they are directed to you, although you will never see this. . .
I will love you, I will hate you, I may forgive you and I may not, and sometimes I am so angry at the way you made me feel like a fool, the way you hurt me but you know what I am going to try and do. Accept that I am going to feel these things towards you and then you know what I am going to do with all of it? I am going to let it go, just let them go into the universe and never to return to me. The things I tell myself I must also let go. I will repeat these words, I will not harbor unhealthy thoughts anymore. See, I know that I am strong, I always have been, but I can be stronger and it is because I must learn to let go. And it is not like this will suddenly happen but I will find a way to teach myself. I will learn to take some time to just let me mind wind down, shut down and completely go blank and then maybe I will open that trunk piece by piece to open my trunk and let the things I keep locked inside go. A little saying I found in the book that I took a fondness too, in Italian, Devo farmi le ossa, which means "I need to make my bones."
I am going to need to start from scratch build myself up and let some things go. And here's where I mentioned in a pervious blog a life journey we must take alone, this is my own quest, my own path which will help me further adapt into Adulthood but I will not truly be alone because as my dad says I am a social person and there are so many true a loving friends that I have that I can turn to if I am ever scared or I feel I may falter and forget this blog all together. They will refer me back to this, my own thoughts and will help me remind myself to breathe. And I know not all of this makes sense to maybe just about everybody but myself but I know there is so much truth for me in these relazations and as I read this back is makes just as must since to me as the first time I thought of it in my head, as I came to these realizations. And I know that it is now time for me to make my bones.
Until next time,
CassidyDoris
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Speak Now
The thing about Taylor Swift, for me and all my friends is that there is one song that is just us. It either describes us individually, tells a story about a boy that describes the boys in our lives, or tells the story of friendship and everlasting love. Taylor Swift is best listened to in a car on the back roads of Vermont. You must definitely have it blasting out of your speakers, and the windows rolled down so you can inhale the sweet scent or spring, summer, or fall. Sadly, winter is not the best time for the windows to be rolled down, or to be driving on back roads with the fear of getting stuck in pot holes, mud, or crashing your unreliable car into a ditch because of the icy situations of the winter season. But no fear blasting it at your best friends house, with a fire blaring and dancing like crazy people in the living room is the best solution for your Taylor Swift needs when it's to cold to go anywhere. The thing that captures me and my friends with Speak Now is the way Taylor just, speaks. She doesn't hold back and she doesn't care that she is portraying her whole life through songs that people around the world will listen to. There is a song in there for each one of my girls. But the thing that I most fell in love with was the Prologue. I have such respect for Taylor Swift because of her courage and strength. She is just so raw with her feelings. She is Fearless. And that's all I can hope to be and it's pretty easy to see how Taylor Swift is such an amazing role-model for today's youth. She is so down to earth and loving, she doesn't see the need to fit in by using drugs or alcohol. The way she can just showcase her life through music as her therapy to get over things and move on, should be an example for all people who are struggling with their own happiness. I choose to write when I'm upset, I write letters to people that they might never read, I write to myself about my pain and how to stay strong and move on. I write stories that relate to my life and portray my emotions through characters. And I feel that everyone just needs that one thing to help them stay strong and move on. If you're struggling to be happy because of the people around you maybe they shouldn't be around you. If you're friends are bringing you down they are no friends at all, if random people are telling you things that hurt you, I ask you who are they to your life? Nothing more than bullies who, I can promise you, are going no where in life. They will one day get theirs. Karma is a bitch. And I can promise you that none of this is worth giving up on what this world has to offer.
There was one time in my life where I was in love with a boy. Of course we've all been there right? Right. And I can tell you that I truly had such strong feelings for him, was it love? It could've been for that age, it could've been. I loved him for three years. From 7th Grade to my Freshman year and we were on and off. He was the one that always broke up with me but never actually broke up with me to my face, he had friends do it, or text messages and I thought that it was fine the way he treated me. He would never stick up for me when his friends criticized me and broke me down piece by piece; that pulled me into a spiral of depression that eventually brought me to the point of where I self-inflicted the pain they were making me feel. I never thought anything of it when he would break up with me because I wouldn't 'put out' I thought it was my fault and maybe I should if I loved him so much. And I almost let him and I'm so glad that I didn't. And I don't mean to portray him as this terrible guy because he really isn't, we've actually managed to have a friendship. We've both grown up and matured and he was just being a boy that felt pressured by his peers to try and get with me but never actually love me. I remember in my Freshman year when I started to lose all of my feelings for him, when we kissed my stomach no longer flipped, when he looked me in the eyes and told me he loved me I no longer felt the truth behind my own words when I said it back and I was scared. Because I could tell that he actually loved me, he was actually feeling something towards me and I wasn't anymore. I kept thinking what am I going to do once I don't have a boyfriend anymore? What am I going to do without that companionship and love. The kissing and cute little moments, how long would it be till I had that again? And then I realized that I couldn't be unhappy in this relationship just because I was afraid of being on my own. Single and alone. And of course you're never really alone, I had some of the best friends that pulled me through but it was scary. But that freedom wasn't so terrifying once I started to move on. Looking back on this 7 years later, I realize how unhealthy that relationship was. I was at his beck and call whenever he wanted to be together and not, I still loved him and hung out with him when we weren't together and I cried myself to sleep every night, wishing he would just love me again. My life became centered around him, and no ones life should be about anyone else but themselves. It might seem selfish but so true, you have got to pay attention to yourself, love yourself before you can ever get in a relationship that was this toxic. I don't know how I found the strength but I just woke up one day and realized that I was ready to move on, so for the first time in three years after about 6 on and off again attempts at a relationship, I broke up with him, to his face and I had never felt more powerful. Well, that is until three years later when I spoke up to someone who once again I found my life being dictated around.
He was my best friend for six years, sounds romantic right? Oh best friends falling in love, how adorable. In fact it was worse towards the end of our friendship then the relationship I had actually been in. When I realized I loved him it seemed to make everything worse, my actions around him began to change. I was more sensitive to his actions as well, his friends would make fun of the fact that we were friends, that I so often called him my best friend and therefore it made me turn into this weirdo controlling person who would always get mad at him the second I felt like he was ashamed of me. Wherever we went together and saw people he knew I'd always 'feel' like I sensed he was embarrassed to be around me and when I'd call him out on it, it would always be this big huge fight, that would leave me angry and hurt. I realize looking back on it, that I was still an immature, insecure girl, but most of the time it was with good reason because I believed I was an embarrassment, even though most of the time I was just a hugely overreacting. I know now, however, looking back on it that he really wasn't ashamed. He was always there for me, regardless of how weird I always acted around him. He helped build up the confidence I know have in myself. I remember the moment he found out I was cutting myself and he made me promise I would never do it again, that I had to stop and that I had to tell him whenever I felt like I might try again and he would be there for me. I think this is why I feel in love with him, why I'm still in love with him because I know he is still this person who wears his heart of his sleeve. I remember watching him hold back tears when his girlfriend in high school had broken up with him, it was something I feel like you rarely see. The man loves the woman more. Another reason. But eventually we became to good to be true, his freshman year of College he was coming home every weekend and we were constantly hanging out. And I was so sure that I was watching him fall in love with me too but he didn't want to say anything for the same reasons I didn't. Because I knew that if it was even whispered it would shatter the bubble we were in. I was just so sure of it, but I think I was just trying to push something I thought would be so perfect. I mean it is kind of romantic when two best friends fall in love. Our friendship would change no matter what. The following year, however, something shifted and I felt that I knew what is was. The year before I don't think he was feeling too comfortable with College, adjusting was hard for him and he knew that he could find me, his best friend waiting for him and to be there for him. (this is only my assumption, I don't really know why he came home every weekend, but this seems to be the best answer.) But his sophomore year I could feel he was adjusting, finding friends, and his weekends at home were less and less. I once again found myself in a whirlwind of emotions, my life was once again revolving around a man who simply was losing interest. My friends encouraged me to write a letter to him that he'd never read and then they printed that letter and kidnapped me up to his school. (trust me I thank them for this, they are the best friends I could ever ask for.) I left the note on his door and I spoke up. I was tired of crying over him and I just wanted answers. But the answers I got have never shattered my heart so much. It felt like my heart was just laying in pieces on the floor that I was forced to put back together for what felt like the millionth time. I haven't talked to him in a little over a year, we've run into each other a few times and he has tried to make it seem like nothing has changed, when it has. While he helped build me up into the confident person I am, he has also helped me put up a barrier that I no longer feel the need to let another man break through. At least not now. I am certainly open to finding that one, but I'm not going to force the situation to happen like I so often have done in the past, whatever is to come is to come and I have to learn to just be satisfied with my life in the present. Which I am. The only thing I have come to realize is the most important in my life, is my friends. Friends are soul mates and boys can simply be something all just have fun with. I will no longer let me life be dictated from what a boy is feeling, I am my own person and I am so glad that I have been able to have these experiences to teach me that.
The point I am trying to get across to those who feel lost, alone and scared is that you're simply never alone. There is someone who is always there for you, whether it's a friend, a parent or a teacher. Never feel like you have to do everything alone, and sure there are journeys you might have to take alone, you must not be afraid of them. And if you do get scared there is someone there to cheer you on. You must continue on this journey, don't give up. And to those people who are getting you down, you must know that the only person who will truly get you down is yourself. You have the power to not care what they think, to stand up for yourself and speak now. I did, I spoke with the words that I wrote, the words that I have always written to help me move on. And I will never be ashamed of that. So whether you go and blast some Taylor Swift to make you feel worthy or write in your Journal or talk to a friend, you must know you are worthy. You are valued and appreciated and your life serves a purpose you just need to find. Life's a journey, but as long as you, ask questions, take a stand and fight, you will find your voice. Let your voice rise and in the words of Taylor Swift. . . speak now.
Until next time,
CassidyDoris
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
The Pet Peeves List, or "You know you work at a Grocery Store and hate it when. . ."
I keep forgetting to write this blog! And then everytime I'm at work I remember that I need to write this blog. I work at a grocery store, have since my freshman year in high school. So I've worked there for three years and this Sunday is my last day and I am overwhelmed with joy. I have realized since coming back from my four day trip to College that I have been hiding behind so many things and while people view me as a sensible girl, smart, has a job, works hard and is going to go far. I've only had one job experience in my whole life and while I was never sheltered, I never really ventured off on my own completely either. I never tried new things is what I'm trying to say and I think that's why College was such a shock to me, such a difference from everything I knew. I walked into the grocery store I was going to be transferring too and realized it was ten times huger than the store I work at, at home. And I was going to supervise all of it? It immediately made me feel sick. And I realize it's because I am afraid to try new things, find new experiences in my life. I have used this job for the past three years as my security blanket. Everyone asks me why I stay if I'm so unhappy? Which is true most days if not everyday, I dread going to work. But I always tell them it's because I get paid so well, it's really not that bad. But for some reason it is for me, the amazing people I work with don't add up to the terrible people I have encountred. I have met the cruel world via a grocery store. I have been verbal abused in my lifetime by people I barely know and I am not okay with that. I feel like I lost a part of myself these last three years because of these people, a part of my soul and happiness. I find I can't tolerate people anymore because of them, everywhere I go I lash out in my mind at people who I see giving other cashiers a hard time or just seem impatient on the road and are trying to cut you off. I have incredible road rage that I think adds to the fact that I just hate people. So when they're going slow, I wail my horn at them. When they're on my ass, I drive 10 miles per hour. When we're on the highway and I see someone about to pass me (I don't play games, I win) I speed up so they can't pass me anymore. I just for some reason can't stand people, and when I got back from college I realized I can't let my life be like this anymore. I am way to young to settle, way to young to only experience certain things in my life because I am too afraid. I guess you could say that I turned a new leaf. I am going to become a new person who is learning each and every day how to spread her own wings and fly in the comfort of my own home.
But this is not what I wanted my blog to be about. I want to share with you my biggest pet peeves thanks to this job. I have no idea how many there will be I am just going to make a list till I can't think of anything anymore and then I'll come back and add to them later and when I brainstorm with my coworkers I will come back and add more. This list will go on forever and will be in my book about my life as a grocery store employee.
This is kind of like a you know you work at a grocery store and hate it when. . . type thing. :)
The List of Pet Peeves:
1) I find you irratating when you're on your phone and I'm trying to talk to you and ask you questions. You're a rude person.
2) I hate when people spin our little code bar that stands above our keyboard. It is not slot machine sir, you will not win but I might punch you in the face.
3) I hate it when you can't believe that I'm carding you even though you're this __ old. I do not care, it's a law and I'm not breaking it for you.
4) I hate it when you give me a hard time about a price being ten cents off what the sign said on the shelf. Does it look like that's my job? No I am a cashier, my name badge says so.
5) I hate it when I start bagging an order and they all of a sudden want paper bags, or they brought there own bags. Putting them at the beginning of the order or asking would've been nice.
6) I hate it when I get yelled at for forgetting to take the credits off for your bags. You get three cents a bag and only used two, wait I'll give you six cents out of my damn pocket if it'll make you stop crying about it.
7) I hate when I get through a whole order, the customer pays and then pulls out coupons that they forget. (Note: when you hear them go 'Oh shoot' as your back is turned to finish the order that means they forgot something and you might brace yourself for anger) because you then have to flash for a supervisor so they can put them in for you or tell them to go to the service desk. They think that's taking time out of their valuable lives when really you could've just gone through three orders already if they didn't hold you up.
8) I actually just hate reusable bags, I get that they are great for the enviroment but they are annoying to bag with and I believe the customer should bag their own order at that point.
9) I hate it when the customer needs to pay in ten million different ways.
10) I hate it when the customer comes through with a hundred dollar order and goes 'shoot I only have 65 dollars.' Guess you should've been keeping track of that now huh?
11) I hate it when a customer is in a hurry but they decide to go grocery shopping and then get pissed at you because of how busy it is. (Note: To those people who do that. How about you wait till after you get to wherever the hell it is you're going to, to go shopping. Because I promise you the world hates you so much that it'll be busy if you're just popping in for one thing. It's not like other people exist and need food.)
12) I hate it when people say something they think is clever but I've actually heard a million times. For instance: "Shoot I saved 10 cents, I can go far with that!" Ha ha. Pretty sure that's been done before.
13) I hate it when people read my name tag and go. "OH like hopalong Cassidy." Heard that a milllllion times (similar to number 12)
14) I hate it when people scan their own advantage cards. Whoa. This is my job, and THIS side of the register is mine, my bubble, get out.
15) I hateee it when people try to tell me how to do my job (when people give me the price of something that actually has to be weighed. . . that doesnt help.) or when they tell you that you scanned something in twice but you already caught it and voided it out. (There's a line that goes right through it, it's thin but visible. Just look.)
16) I hate it when people bring in their SCREAMING child and don't do anything about it. Take them outside, tell them to shut up or just don't bring them to a grocery store. I find it rude of you to wait in line with your screaming child and I can't assit my customer because I can't hear them.
17) I hate the fact that we have to tuck in our shirts. I have a bit of pudge, it doesn't look so good with a tucked in shirt.
18) I hate that we can't dye our hair because it's unprofessional. I'm just a part time cashier and my hair should be the least of a customers problem, at least I'm not a bitch to them. In fact I'm the nicest and hardest worker in the store.
19) I hate it when I see a child eating an apple or banana that their parent gave to them. Those have to be weighed to be bought, so you basically are letting your child eat a stolen item in front of me and I'm pissed.
20) I hate it when people take forever to write out a check when you tell them that all they have to do is sign it and they're going to get it right back.
21) I hate when people swipe they're cards in a million times but the card doesn't take and they get pissed, it's because you're going to fast and oh look at the screen it's asking you to press a button. . . pay attention.
22) I hate it when people don't use the dividers and I start scanning another persons order. Don't fuckingggg get pissed at me because you don't understand what these BRIGHT green little rectangular boxes are for. Oh and another tip. It's called the Void button, *poof* the item vanished from your order. All better.
23) I hate it when people watch me press the subtotal button and they're not finished with their order and freak out like the register is automatically going to think they're done and pay for itself. Nope I need your cash or credit card to do that.
24) I hate when there are maybe five-six registers open and we're starting to get lines and someone has the balls to ask me if we're going to open another one anytime soon. We're doing the best we can. We only have a certain amount of help during the day, there's not a lot we can do and I'm sure you can wait. Why would you come to a grocery store and not expect there to be people?
25) I hate hate hateee when people ask me why I dont have a bagger. We literally have two baggers a day, express cashiers don't get baggers and the two that are here have to go back and forth and bag for the 6 other registers that are open. Your arms aren't broken, you're not lazy. Bag your own damn groceries. The nerve of people.
. . . hmm I really can't think of anything else. But this is a really good start. I'll brainstorm with my coworkers and see what else comes up! I hope that maybe this made you laugh a little. I get that there is a lot of anger in this but over the years I've had a lot of built up anger because of this job. So here is a good place to vent, and to my fellow cashiers I know you agree with this 100%.
Until next time,
Cassidy Doris
But this is not what I wanted my blog to be about. I want to share with you my biggest pet peeves thanks to this job. I have no idea how many there will be I am just going to make a list till I can't think of anything anymore and then I'll come back and add to them later and when I brainstorm with my coworkers I will come back and add more. This list will go on forever and will be in my book about my life as a grocery store employee.
This is kind of like a you know you work at a grocery store and hate it when. . . type thing. :)
The List of Pet Peeves:
1) I find you irratating when you're on your phone and I'm trying to talk to you and ask you questions. You're a rude person.
2) I hate when people spin our little code bar that stands above our keyboard. It is not slot machine sir, you will not win but I might punch you in the face.
3) I hate it when you can't believe that I'm carding you even though you're this __ old. I do not care, it's a law and I'm not breaking it for you.
4) I hate it when you give me a hard time about a price being ten cents off what the sign said on the shelf. Does it look like that's my job? No I am a cashier, my name badge says so.
5) I hate it when I start bagging an order and they all of a sudden want paper bags, or they brought there own bags. Putting them at the beginning of the order or asking would've been nice.
6) I hate it when I get yelled at for forgetting to take the credits off for your bags. You get three cents a bag and only used two, wait I'll give you six cents out of my damn pocket if it'll make you stop crying about it.
7) I hate when I get through a whole order, the customer pays and then pulls out coupons that they forget. (Note: when you hear them go 'Oh shoot' as your back is turned to finish the order that means they forgot something and you might brace yourself for anger) because you then have to flash for a supervisor so they can put them in for you or tell them to go to the service desk. They think that's taking time out of their valuable lives when really you could've just gone through three orders already if they didn't hold you up.
8) I actually just hate reusable bags, I get that they are great for the enviroment but they are annoying to bag with and I believe the customer should bag their own order at that point.
9) I hate it when the customer needs to pay in ten million different ways.
10) I hate it when the customer comes through with a hundred dollar order and goes 'shoot I only have 65 dollars.' Guess you should've been keeping track of that now huh?
11) I hate it when a customer is in a hurry but they decide to go grocery shopping and then get pissed at you because of how busy it is. (Note: To those people who do that. How about you wait till after you get to wherever the hell it is you're going to, to go shopping. Because I promise you the world hates you so much that it'll be busy if you're just popping in for one thing. It's not like other people exist and need food.)
12) I hate it when people say something they think is clever but I've actually heard a million times. For instance: "Shoot I saved 10 cents, I can go far with that!" Ha ha. Pretty sure that's been done before.
13) I hate it when people read my name tag and go. "OH like hopalong Cassidy." Heard that a milllllion times (similar to number 12)
14) I hate it when people scan their own advantage cards. Whoa. This is my job, and THIS side of the register is mine, my bubble, get out.
15) I hateee it when people try to tell me how to do my job (when people give me the price of something that actually has to be weighed. . . that doesnt help.) or when they tell you that you scanned something in twice but you already caught it and voided it out. (There's a line that goes right through it, it's thin but visible. Just look.)
16) I hate it when people bring in their SCREAMING child and don't do anything about it. Take them outside, tell them to shut up or just don't bring them to a grocery store. I find it rude of you to wait in line with your screaming child and I can't assit my customer because I can't hear them.
17) I hate the fact that we have to tuck in our shirts. I have a bit of pudge, it doesn't look so good with a tucked in shirt.
18) I hate that we can't dye our hair because it's unprofessional. I'm just a part time cashier and my hair should be the least of a customers problem, at least I'm not a bitch to them. In fact I'm the nicest and hardest worker in the store.
19) I hate it when I see a child eating an apple or banana that their parent gave to them. Those have to be weighed to be bought, so you basically are letting your child eat a stolen item in front of me and I'm pissed.
20) I hate it when people take forever to write out a check when you tell them that all they have to do is sign it and they're going to get it right back.
21) I hate when people swipe they're cards in a million times but the card doesn't take and they get pissed, it's because you're going to fast and oh look at the screen it's asking you to press a button. . . pay attention.
22) I hate it when people don't use the dividers and I start scanning another persons order. Don't fuckingggg get pissed at me because you don't understand what these BRIGHT green little rectangular boxes are for. Oh and another tip. It's called the Void button, *poof* the item vanished from your order. All better.
23) I hate it when people watch me press the subtotal button and they're not finished with their order and freak out like the register is automatically going to think they're done and pay for itself. Nope I need your cash or credit card to do that.
24) I hate when there are maybe five-six registers open and we're starting to get lines and someone has the balls to ask me if we're going to open another one anytime soon. We're doing the best we can. We only have a certain amount of help during the day, there's not a lot we can do and I'm sure you can wait. Why would you come to a grocery store and not expect there to be people?
25) I hate hate hateee when people ask me why I dont have a bagger. We literally have two baggers a day, express cashiers don't get baggers and the two that are here have to go back and forth and bag for the 6 other registers that are open. Your arms aren't broken, you're not lazy. Bag your own damn groceries. The nerve of people.
. . . hmm I really can't think of anything else. But this is a really good start. I'll brainstorm with my coworkers and see what else comes up! I hope that maybe this made you laugh a little. I get that there is a lot of anger in this but over the years I've had a lot of built up anger because of this job. So here is a good place to vent, and to my fellow cashiers I know you agree with this 100%.
Until next time,
Cassidy Doris
You Found Me
1.) Put your iTunes, Windows Media Player, etc. on shuffle.
2.) For each question, press the next buttin to get your answer.
3.) YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS.
I quite love these type of survey things. :)
1.) IF SOMEONE SAYS 'ARE YOU OK', YOU SAY?
Sweet Disposition
2.) HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE YOURSELF?
Whataya Want From Me?
3.) WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
White Houses
4.) HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
Untouchable
5.) WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
Little Lover's so Polite.
6.) WHAT'S YOUR MOTTO?
Journey to the Cave
7.) WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
The Other Side of the Door
8.) WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
Breathe
9.) WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
All the Right Moves
10.) WHAT IS 2+2?
California Love
11.) WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
Love the Way You Lie.
. . . this sounds bad but it is one of our jams so this sounds perfect. :)
12.) WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
Monument
13.) WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
Toxic Valentine
14.) WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Ready for the Floor
15.) WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
Coffeeshop Soundtrack
16.) WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
Colorblind
17.) WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
I know how to love you well
18.) WHAT IS YOUR BIGGETS FEAR?
Drop the World
19.) WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
Talking to Myself
20.) WHAT DO YOU WANT RIGHT NOW?
Getting down to the "Heart of the Matter."
21.) WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
When You're Gone
22.) WHAT WILL YOU NAME THIS NOTE?
You Found Me
2.) For each question, press the next buttin to get your answer.
3.) YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS.
I quite love these type of survey things. :)
1.) IF SOMEONE SAYS 'ARE YOU OK', YOU SAY?
Sweet Disposition
2.) HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE YOURSELF?
Whataya Want From Me?
3.) WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
White Houses
4.) HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
Untouchable
5.) WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
Little Lover's so Polite.
6.) WHAT'S YOUR MOTTO?
Journey to the Cave
7.) WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
The Other Side of the Door
8.) WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
Breathe
9.) WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
All the Right Moves
10.) WHAT IS 2+2?
California Love
11.) WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
Love the Way You Lie.
. . . this sounds bad but it is one of our jams so this sounds perfect. :)
12.) WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
Monument
13.) WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
Toxic Valentine
14.) WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Ready for the Floor
15.) WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
Coffeeshop Soundtrack
16.) WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
Colorblind
17.) WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
I know how to love you well
18.) WHAT IS YOUR BIGGETS FEAR?
Drop the World
19.) WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
Talking to Myself
20.) WHAT DO YOU WANT RIGHT NOW?
Getting down to the "Heart of the Matter."
21.) WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
When You're Gone
22.) WHAT WILL YOU NAME THIS NOTE?
You Found Me
My Soulmates
It's hard to really begin this piece, but I mainly think it's necessary for the world to know how deeply connect my girls are. We are simply one word; soulmates.
What has brought up this whole post though I must start at the beginning and work my way back. Which is where I will bring you back to the four or five days of college I attended. I can never remember. I was so afraid to tell my friends, I wanted to leave and when I did and they convinced me to stay open minded and I did, for one more day. They couldn't know, I just wanted to be home, to be comfortable again. I would've given anything to have the summer back with my girls. I wasn't ready to give them up. And the moment I decided to leave, I was so worried it would change everything. I texted them to let them know I was leaving and didn't hear a word from anyone for a whole day. I contemplated my life alone at that point (I know, jumping the gun just a little bit) But I felt like it wasn't like my friends not to respond in some way for a whole day. And I wondered what it would be like, my lonely life. Going to work everyday and coming home alone. It seemed so sad and disappointing and I soon started to regret the decision of leaving school, only because it seemed to upset my best friends greatly.
I did hear from them and all the worry was soon lifted off my shoulders, but I carried around this overwhelming since of saddness after that. This sense of lonliness even though one of my best friends was still down the street, (thank god for that.) I can't really explain it, I just felt that maybe I still had shattered something because we barely every talked together. The four of us were clearly in different places at this moment, adjusting to our new lives. Days elapsed before I would talk to Jordan and Kelsey, when we didn't go a day without at least texting. Everything felt weird for me. Sometimes I felt left out, wondering why my friends couldn't confide in me because it felt like whenever we talked we barely grazed the surface of what used to be the deepest conversations anyone could experience.
This past weekend, Kelsey came home for the weekend and something shifted. I felt connected to everything again in away I hadn't felt in what felt like a long time. There were so many exciting things happening in our lives, and we experience a jam packed weekend with no sleep at all. It felt good to get back to normal. Laugh and love again with my girls.
Just a few hours ago I just confessed probably some of the most bottled up emotions I've been feeling to months and cried my eyes out while Skype chatting to Kelsey, as Bridget walked in alarmed and then started to cry too. And I can't explain how raw and beautiful that moment was. We all just opened up to each other via so many different ways of communication but at least it was communication. And when I confessed my fear of being alone because of what I did, my very wise and beautiful best friend replied, "Soulmates just don't leave." And so they don't.
My best friends have been through more than any best friends have. We've experienced happiness, love, loss, pain, tears and laughter. We've seen our worst fears and faced them together head on and I know we're going to make it through just fine. Because soulmates are there for life and I guess I didn't fully understand the concept till Bridget explained it to me so clearly; they don't just leave. Maybe I shouldn't try to let them leave just because that's all I know. I have lossed so many friends because of change, because of college. It is perhaps my biggest fear to lose them too because of this. Because them I simply can't bear leaving. I've managed to cope with the rest of my losses, even though they're cross my mind everyday like a ghost passing by.
And I still can't, even in this blog, profess my undying gradtitude and love I have for these girls. They are each apart of me in someway. The way I lick my fingers is a habit of Jordans only we realize, the sarcasm of Bridget has rubbed off on me quite well and well Kelsey and I never truly realize how perfect we are married until we're being absolutely silly together and professing the sillest thing. God I love these girls, they warm my heart and soul and I can't honestly believe I was lucky enough to have found them. And we found each other in so many different fashions. I've known Bridget since Kindergarten, Kelsey a few years later (until we lost touch and reconnected in middle school) and Jordan not until our Sophmore year in High School. But it seems so much longer. The point is how can girls who know each other on different levels, different amounts of time and in different ways (For example: Jordan and I met through dance, our common love, and the other girls met her through classes) then how do we gel so well together? Because it was meant to be, I truly believe that. We were meant to be best friends perhaps for the rest of our lives.
And I fear I have not nearly explained my soulmates enough, but when they read this I have a feeling they will be satisfied, till they see what a terrible job my grammar and spelling skills were. Because I'm sure there are many, mainly because it's 3:30 in the morning and I want to be sleeping just like Bridget is next to me. But I just had to express my love and everything that had just happened, it just felt necessary.
Until next time,
Cassidy Doris
What has brought up this whole post though I must start at the beginning and work my way back. Which is where I will bring you back to the four or five days of college I attended. I can never remember. I was so afraid to tell my friends, I wanted to leave and when I did and they convinced me to stay open minded and I did, for one more day. They couldn't know, I just wanted to be home, to be comfortable again. I would've given anything to have the summer back with my girls. I wasn't ready to give them up. And the moment I decided to leave, I was so worried it would change everything. I texted them to let them know I was leaving and didn't hear a word from anyone for a whole day. I contemplated my life alone at that point (I know, jumping the gun just a little bit) But I felt like it wasn't like my friends not to respond in some way for a whole day. And I wondered what it would be like, my lonely life. Going to work everyday and coming home alone. It seemed so sad and disappointing and I soon started to regret the decision of leaving school, only because it seemed to upset my best friends greatly.
I did hear from them and all the worry was soon lifted off my shoulders, but I carried around this overwhelming since of saddness after that. This sense of lonliness even though one of my best friends was still down the street, (thank god for that.) I can't really explain it, I just felt that maybe I still had shattered something because we barely every talked together. The four of us were clearly in different places at this moment, adjusting to our new lives. Days elapsed before I would talk to Jordan and Kelsey, when we didn't go a day without at least texting. Everything felt weird for me. Sometimes I felt left out, wondering why my friends couldn't confide in me because it felt like whenever we talked we barely grazed the surface of what used to be the deepest conversations anyone could experience.
This past weekend, Kelsey came home for the weekend and something shifted. I felt connected to everything again in away I hadn't felt in what felt like a long time. There were so many exciting things happening in our lives, and we experience a jam packed weekend with no sleep at all. It felt good to get back to normal. Laugh and love again with my girls.
Just a few hours ago I just confessed probably some of the most bottled up emotions I've been feeling to months and cried my eyes out while Skype chatting to Kelsey, as Bridget walked in alarmed and then started to cry too. And I can't explain how raw and beautiful that moment was. We all just opened up to each other via so many different ways of communication but at least it was communication. And when I confessed my fear of being alone because of what I did, my very wise and beautiful best friend replied, "Soulmates just don't leave." And so they don't.
My best friends have been through more than any best friends have. We've experienced happiness, love, loss, pain, tears and laughter. We've seen our worst fears and faced them together head on and I know we're going to make it through just fine. Because soulmates are there for life and I guess I didn't fully understand the concept till Bridget explained it to me so clearly; they don't just leave. Maybe I shouldn't try to let them leave just because that's all I know. I have lossed so many friends because of change, because of college. It is perhaps my biggest fear to lose them too because of this. Because them I simply can't bear leaving. I've managed to cope with the rest of my losses, even though they're cross my mind everyday like a ghost passing by.
And I still can't, even in this blog, profess my undying gradtitude and love I have for these girls. They are each apart of me in someway. The way I lick my fingers is a habit of Jordans only we realize, the sarcasm of Bridget has rubbed off on me quite well and well Kelsey and I never truly realize how perfect we are married until we're being absolutely silly together and professing the sillest thing. God I love these girls, they warm my heart and soul and I can't honestly believe I was lucky enough to have found them. And we found each other in so many different fashions. I've known Bridget since Kindergarten, Kelsey a few years later (until we lost touch and reconnected in middle school) and Jordan not until our Sophmore year in High School. But it seems so much longer. The point is how can girls who know each other on different levels, different amounts of time and in different ways (For example: Jordan and I met through dance, our common love, and the other girls met her through classes) then how do we gel so well together? Because it was meant to be, I truly believe that. We were meant to be best friends perhaps for the rest of our lives.
And I fear I have not nearly explained my soulmates enough, but when they read this I have a feeling they will be satisfied, till they see what a terrible job my grammar and spelling skills were. Because I'm sure there are many, mainly because it's 3:30 in the morning and I want to be sleeping just like Bridget is next to me. But I just had to express my love and everything that had just happened, it just felt necessary.
Until next time,
Cassidy Doris
Monday, October 11, 2010
The beginning
I'm getting caught up in this blogging business because, well, writing is my life, so why don't I have a blog already? Right? I realize that it has been nearly over 4 months since I last wrote anything. Since High School ended, summer ran away from us crazy teens in a hurry and fall loomed upon us with the always silencing fear that winter is not far behind. I went to college, for all of about four or five days and realized . . . I didn't want to be there. I have this inkling that as I write in this blog I will discover my true reasoning of why I left college, whether I keep it to myself or share with others will be my choosing however. But I ask myself these questions every day of why I wanted to leave. Was it fear? Fear of change? Losing everything I was so comfortable with? Fear of what, because I was once, very happy to go to college. So why is it that when I finally got there I ran just as fast as that summer did from me and my three best friends.
I guess in time I will find the answers to these questions, but you should know, (incase you didn't already) that I didn't mention, not once, the word regret. I do not regret my decision in the slightest. I am so happy with my life right now. I just sometimes wish that I had answer for that infamous question I get from just about everyone I run into, why? I want to know why too, but I don't so I'll get back to you on that one.
For now, get to know me.
My names Cassidy, I am 18.
I have decided to get a blog mainly for some place to write, and well, in doing so I am sharing with others, whoever those others might be that venture across my writing.
I have a few ideas of what I will write about, but I don't think I will share them with you quite yet.
I think it should be known that I do not do well with criticism from people I do not know. I do not even take compliments from people I do not know, or for that matter people who are near and dear to my heart.
So let it be clear if you come to tear me down, I have wasted to much of my life letting people do so. If you wish to criticize my poor grammar skills, I already have two woman who are frankly the best in the business and whom I refer to as the two people who will ever edit my first great novel someday and don't need your help.
I write because I have to many pent up emotions that I try and bottle up for the sake of my friends, who I never think should carry a burden that isn't there's, but they have taught me that, well, they don't give a damn and will get it out of me one way or another.
I have, for the most part, a very good life. I have not had to deal with half or really any of the tragedies that most kids my age, in this unforgiving world, have had to go through. My parents are still married, I have thankfully never had to deal with an real and tragic loss and don't live in a bad neighborhood or state for that matter. Vermont is pretty damn peaceful and beautiful and I swear that I try to never hate on it as much as I do because I truly believe Vermont is a state where you come to appreciate life because of all the beauty it holds here.
But I can tell you this I have seen a sort of darkness, if you will, that most people should never have to face but almost everyone does and some even sadly succumb to it and for that I wish you to know that I am here and I have come out most refreshingly alive and anew.
Which leads me to the explanation of my first tattoo that almost no one ever hears about but I'm most certain my girls have guessed, because they know me so well.
My tattoo is a little bare tree on my right shoulder blade, a full moon peering through its branches and lyrics written below that go like this,
"Through the trees, I will find you, I will heal the ruins left inside you, because I am still here breathing now."
And I must tell you how much I hold these lyrics to my heart, sure they are sung from a made up band in a movie that is far to silly but at the same time amazeballs, that it seems odd when I tell people where this tattoo came from. But really I don't think of it as coming from the movie but being about something, a point in time of my life that is so real to me, I must share it with the world. I am still alive, and while that darkness almost scared me to death I found hope, I have love and I knew I couldn't just give up. This life is far to interesting to give up, there will be bad days but I can most certainly promise you there is a good day to balance it all out.
From that I have become known as Mama Cass. I always joke saying "It's because I take care of my young." When really it's because I want to protect them from that darkness, make sure everyone around me, that has ever come in contact with me knows love, knows that there is always someone there. There is always me.
You might find this odd, thinking a girl like me is far to serious with her life if she feels the need to protect everybody, but it's quite the contrary. I can be quite daring and most of all I am happy. So therefore, I think that is, perhaps above all, my goal and purpose in life. To make sure everyone I know gets a chance to be daring and happy. For how does that quote go,
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make, manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."
I used to and in some portions of my life still am frightened of my light, I play small and think who I am I to brilliant and gorgeous. But as my life moves on I have learned that I must hold onto my light with everything possible and help to liberate others into finding their own. I can no longer be afraid of who I am, because who I am is everything I've got now.
And now I fear I must stop, or else I will make a bibliography for that quote I used and really sum up this paper I've just written. There will be more for all those who care to continue. . .
Until next time,
Cassidy Doris
I guess in time I will find the answers to these questions, but you should know, (incase you didn't already) that I didn't mention, not once, the word regret. I do not regret my decision in the slightest. I am so happy with my life right now. I just sometimes wish that I had answer for that infamous question I get from just about everyone I run into, why? I want to know why too, but I don't so I'll get back to you on that one.
For now, get to know me.
My names Cassidy, I am 18.
I have decided to get a blog mainly for some place to write, and well, in doing so I am sharing with others, whoever those others might be that venture across my writing.
I have a few ideas of what I will write about, but I don't think I will share them with you quite yet.
I think it should be known that I do not do well with criticism from people I do not know. I do not even take compliments from people I do not know, or for that matter people who are near and dear to my heart.
So let it be clear if you come to tear me down, I have wasted to much of my life letting people do so. If you wish to criticize my poor grammar skills, I already have two woman who are frankly the best in the business and whom I refer to as the two people who will ever edit my first great novel someday and don't need your help.
I write because I have to many pent up emotions that I try and bottle up for the sake of my friends, who I never think should carry a burden that isn't there's, but they have taught me that, well, they don't give a damn and will get it out of me one way or another.
I have, for the most part, a very good life. I have not had to deal with half or really any of the tragedies that most kids my age, in this unforgiving world, have had to go through. My parents are still married, I have thankfully never had to deal with an real and tragic loss and don't live in a bad neighborhood or state for that matter. Vermont is pretty damn peaceful and beautiful and I swear that I try to never hate on it as much as I do because I truly believe Vermont is a state where you come to appreciate life because of all the beauty it holds here.
But I can tell you this I have seen a sort of darkness, if you will, that most people should never have to face but almost everyone does and some even sadly succumb to it and for that I wish you to know that I am here and I have come out most refreshingly alive and anew.
Which leads me to the explanation of my first tattoo that almost no one ever hears about but I'm most certain my girls have guessed, because they know me so well.
My tattoo is a little bare tree on my right shoulder blade, a full moon peering through its branches and lyrics written below that go like this,
"Through the trees, I will find you, I will heal the ruins left inside you, because I am still here breathing now."
And I must tell you how much I hold these lyrics to my heart, sure they are sung from a made up band in a movie that is far to silly but at the same time amazeballs, that it seems odd when I tell people where this tattoo came from. But really I don't think of it as coming from the movie but being about something, a point in time of my life that is so real to me, I must share it with the world. I am still alive, and while that darkness almost scared me to death I found hope, I have love and I knew I couldn't just give up. This life is far to interesting to give up, there will be bad days but I can most certainly promise you there is a good day to balance it all out.
From that I have become known as Mama Cass. I always joke saying "It's because I take care of my young." When really it's because I want to protect them from that darkness, make sure everyone around me, that has ever come in contact with me knows love, knows that there is always someone there. There is always me.
You might find this odd, thinking a girl like me is far to serious with her life if she feels the need to protect everybody, but it's quite the contrary. I can be quite daring and most of all I am happy. So therefore, I think that is, perhaps above all, my goal and purpose in life. To make sure everyone I know gets a chance to be daring and happy. For how does that quote go,
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make, manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."
I used to and in some portions of my life still am frightened of my light, I play small and think who I am I to brilliant and gorgeous. But as my life moves on I have learned that I must hold onto my light with everything possible and help to liberate others into finding their own. I can no longer be afraid of who I am, because who I am is everything I've got now.
And now I fear I must stop, or else I will make a bibliography for that quote I used and really sum up this paper I've just written. There will be more for all those who care to continue. . .
Until next time,
Cassidy Doris
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