So I've been thinking about this a lot. This whole, I'm grown up thing. High School is officially over and now it's the real thing, and it's not to say I haven't been living in the real thing this whole time, but it's just really different after High School. At least to me, I just feel it, it's a realization almost everyday that there really is an endless span of possibilities in front of me. Just a span of the complete unknown, and it seems a little daunting. How am I possibly suppose to figure all this how? How am I suppose to know if I'm doing the right thing or on the right path? This week has been a lot of that for me, not the answers really but I just found out a lot about myself I guess you could say.
This past week I was house sitting, looking after two wild dogs and living in a lonely house. At least it was lonely to me. I'm not used to how it is in Vernon, living next to the sound of constant buses at 7 am and movement from then on, it was just a change. I also have slept with my TV every since I was a child, a fear of the dark it became the solution to my problems and now it's the silence I fear so it stays on even at my 18 years of age. And she didn't have a TV in her room. So most nights I would fall asleep on the couch to the sound of the it wake in the middle of the night to the dogs barking for some odd reason and crawl into her bed with the light on (all right I should admit. I am still slightly afraid of the dark, something I can overcome when I'm surrounded by people but can't do alone.) Along with that came the sudden realization that I depend on people far too much. I hated being there alone, the dogs were company but not enough and I realized I was left to my own thoughts, which I very much try to avoid because my thoughts aren't always the kindest. Now I must also add that I am finally back home and in my own bed and my own dog is lying next to me and I can say that I have missed all of this so much but I also must write this, because being the writer that I am I can't let all these thoughts slip away.
Throughout this week I have been spending time with my own thoughts and have tried to figure out some of my problems. . . haha sounds interesting right? Especially because how can you possibly figure out all your problems in a week, but lets just say it was a good week for a few realizations. In this span of time I also picked up Eat Pray Love again which for some odd reason I stopped reading half way through, probably because it's been a rough, busy few months since I last read it and a lot of these realizations came because of this book.
I remember talking to my dad one night before I went to bed and he was asking me how I was dealing with my own 'crib' and I mentioned how odd it felt. I didn't like coming home to nothing and no one and my dad said "it's because your a social person, you surround yourself with people and are used to it." which is true, and it's not a bad thing but I feel that my reasons for being the social person I am is to hide from my own flaws, fears and thoughts. There are things I like to keep hidden, even from myself. I try to lock them in a trunk I suppose and act like it isn't sitting there rattling in the corner dying to get out. The trunk constantly threatens to burst open without my permission, regardless of all the locks I have put on it. My mind often wanders to the most important thing, I think all of us humans have in common and is mentioned in Eat Pray Love quite a bit, love. The need for it, the search for it, the desperation of finding love so that we may not suffer this life alone. The only love I have ever faced are the two men I have mentioned previously. I have nothing else to think of except for one of them, the most recent one because I have no one else to focus all the pain on. But I realized why do I have to have someone else to focus on? And it's really because it's all I've ever known. I have always had crushes on boys, always imagined my first kiss being perfect and I have always never let yy broken heart fully heal because as soon as I found my answers to one boy (the answer was ummmm no) then I was finding a new crush, a new person to let my heart ponder over when all it really wanted was a break. I go through phases, heartbreak, crying, then anger, hate, and then back to what I think is love and how I am need to have them back in my life, but then sometimes I find someone to focus it on and I forget all about it and suddenly I feel 'healed.'
With my most recent heartbreak, I'm at the final stage, where it has been a constant belief of mine that maybe I need to try and find a way to bring him back into my life, I feel like I'm missing out on something. And I can't move on because there's no one else to focus my thoughts and feelings on, but you know what? I don't want to be that girl who feels the need to have a guy in her life just to feel complete and although I haven't in quite sometime it is something I am constantly thinking about. Constantly wondering if I'm going to find someone, etc. I far to often find my mind telling me no, to so many things it lets me wander off and think of a life absoultely alone, it lets me wander to embarrassing moments that have happened so long ago that probably no one who was even apart of it remembers. But my mind lets me remember, it lets me tell myself that I am useless, worthless and an embarrasment.
And the thing I am trying to get at most is that I am done harboring these thoughts (Can't take the credit. Liz Gilbert, Eat Pray Love. Also this should be advertisement enough to pick this book up, it has really helped me realize many things even if I can't relate at all to what she is going through it keeps it open for you to connect in some way to her and her life and try and heal yourself.) So here is my final thoughts and they are directed to you, although you will never see this. . .
I will love you, I will hate you, I may forgive you and I may not, and sometimes I am so angry at the way you made me feel like a fool, the way you hurt me but you know what I am going to try and do. Accept that I am going to feel these things towards you and then you know what I am going to do with all of it? I am going to let it go, just let them go into the universe and never to return to me. The things I tell myself I must also let go. I will repeat these words, I will not harbor unhealthy thoughts anymore. See, I know that I am strong, I always have been, but I can be stronger and it is because I must learn to let go. And it is not like this will suddenly happen but I will find a way to teach myself. I will learn to take some time to just let me mind wind down, shut down and completely go blank and then maybe I will open that trunk piece by piece to open my trunk and let the things I keep locked inside go. A little saying I found in the book that I took a fondness too, in Italian, Devo farmi le ossa, which means "I need to make my bones."
I am going to need to start from scratch build myself up and let some things go. And here's where I mentioned in a pervious blog a life journey we must take alone, this is my own quest, my own path which will help me further adapt into Adulthood but I will not truly be alone because as my dad says I am a social person and there are so many true a loving friends that I have that I can turn to if I am ever scared or I feel I may falter and forget this blog all together. They will refer me back to this, my own thoughts and will help me remind myself to breathe. And I know not all of this makes sense to maybe just about everybody but myself but I know there is so much truth for me in these relazations and as I read this back is makes just as must since to me as the first time I thought of it in my head, as I came to these realizations. And I know that it is now time for me to make my bones.
Until next time,
CassidyDoris
No comments:
Post a Comment