So let me bring you up to speed here. It is January 9th, 2012 (approximately the second time I have ever written out 2012) and it is 2 in the morning. I have just arrived back at my house from a night out with my two favorite people. After some confusion and I'm pretty sure a second blog I just made out of frustration of said confusion I am here. Writing in what has been over a year for the very first time. Why has it taken me this long to write? After all I have missed writing very much and the answer is simple. For the past two years I have felt. . . uninspired. Uninspired with life, school was lame, my friends were gone (lame) and I was facing a deep depression that had me cut off all that I loved. . . including writing. But now those two years have turned into now, right now, me sitting here in a daze looking at my brightly lit computer screen fighting sleep but wanting to get this all down. But it's a lot to get down so I might give up at 3 am because I'm going to need to recap what a kind of year it's been since High School ended how my message of life has changed and then changed again. How my dark days turned to light and everything seems so freakin awesome now. Yes to right about the good I'm going to have to start with the past. Just a little past and veryyy summed up. For your benefit of course.
Now lets see, I just have some first things that have happened upon me I must write down before I forget. These are major. This one just came upon me. It has occured to me that a lot of people on the East Coast are angry. We've got mean New Yorks, Massholes, Connect-ti-oh well we're not going there and then the New Hampshits (hahahaha) and then us the Vermonsters (represent!) oh and then there's Maine, and Rhode Island and Maryland? Fuck is that on the East Coast (as I'm saying this I realize that I am thinking New England and that the East Coast is a grand scheme of many states, oops, whatevss). Anyways excuse my language I'm literally speaking in my head all of this and I'm kind of talking to myself while writing it down. So this is my language, to myself. Anyways but it doesn't make sense, why are we angry? Is it cause winter is such a cold-hearted bitter bitch? And it makes us East Coasters the same? Us East Coasters should unite. Show some solidarity and love, I mean think about it we are the Coast that the entire world looks to. Our time Zone is better than everyone elses. It is only the New Year when the ball has dropped live from New York. So everywhere else in America it doesn't count when it's midnight for you. It's 2012 bitches, the stock market begins with on East Coast standard time, along with TV shows and whatever the hell else. We have seen before the rest of America so that makes us the only part of America that matters. Right? I mean waddup? That's just my thought. This is totally going to be the stupidest thing I'll ever read in the morning.
But moving on to my life. In the past year I've dealt with my issues. I have been seeing a Therapist for over a year now and that has completely changed my life. I have taken on a new roll of honesty and happiness. I am really trying not to hold anything in. I want to be an open book and in many ways I am. When I write I am not afraid to share my entire life story. Because I know that it's up to you the reader whether you really want to read it or not. So really to me it seems like I'm just writing to myself and I'm also really not afraid of what peoples comments are on my writing, I will never hear them. Like when I wrote Cody a letter professing my love, which in somes ways is what this entire change in my life stems back to I wasn't afraid. Writing a letter may seem 8th grade but it was the best way I knew how. I knew that writing him a letter I would leave myself uncensored and hold nothing back. Which is exactly what I did, and I left it on his doorstep and ran but that's not the point. I had the courage, the balls to tell someone how I felt. I am not to this day ashamed of the way I did it, because it was me, the real me. A letter, writing, all the words I knew I'd never find if I was confronting him face to face. So this is why I'm starting my blog again. Because I need to write of all the feelings that I'll never find words for if I try and speak them out loud. Of all the stories I need to share that I can't possibly remember if I don't have somewhere to put them. I need to write, so here we begin again:
So far it's been almost two weeks into 2012 and I already feel my life changing and this being such a good year for me. I turn 20 in less than a month and will be in Canada celebrating with my best friends. In a year I am most definitely going to be in Ireland with a friend that I believe is going to become more like my sister because of this trip. I might be going to Florida in April. The point to all of this is, is that everyone thinks that if you stay in Brattleboro, or the town you grew up in. Never go to school or have those kind of goals you're going to be stuck there working a dead end job. And you know what that does end up being some peoples life. But I'm here to prove that statistic wrong. See, I'm not committed to school right now. I spent what? like 16 years in school, I was exhausted and hated it by the time I was done and when I got to school and sat in my first class I honestly thought what the fuck am I doing here? Sure as I looked out to my right my class room overlooked the beauty that is Lake Champlain and in a lot of way Champlain College is still my dream school and Burlington is still my dream place to live. But not right now. When I came home and started working with the Lyfords and I met Jack, Matthew and Sammy. And got to work those few brief (and hectic, crazy) months with Chole and Zoey I learned so much from these children and this wonderful family who is like all others but on a totally other planet. This family exceeds all measure, has been put to all tests and still proves that love conquers all. I can only dream to have a family this wonderful of my own someday, I can only dream to be as great of a parent as mine have been to me. So willing to accept that I wasn't ready for school, still proud of me, always proud of me their faith in me never falters and they believe I can change the world. The way my dad's jaw drops whenever I read him anything I write. The way my mother beams with pride is more than I can ever ask for. Their unconditional love in me is what is inspiring me to move on. I need to be able to move on from all that I have been hiding myself under these last few years. I have been living in a safety net. Staying close to home and my dog and my parents and I know that I have been doing that these past few years but suddenly I'm not afraid to leave them anymore. I know that I can always come back. I'm ready to be as proud of myself as my parents are of me. I want to travel, and hopefully when I'm done I'll be inspired to go full speed into my schooling and come out a Literary Agent. I have never been so sure in my life that this is what I want to do with it. I have never been so sure I'm going to be an author one day, even if it is one or two books that fail miserably and only the people I know in my small town buy it from our one Local Bookstore because this town takes hella pride in the people that achieve something beyond this level. And somehow that sounds perfect to me. Thinking of being an author, and probably failing sounds good to me. I will have made my town and state proud and there is nothing that I'll be more happy about than that. Because I am so proud of where I'm from I am so happy to be from Brattleboro and everyday I find something new to love about it. I don't ever understand why people hate this place so much, they say it's filled with drama and all these people they can't stand but you know what. I hate every single person I went to high school with (except of course the people I still talk to, you obviously know who you are) and this town is as small as it gets and I'm pretty good at never running into these people. I'm also good at keeping myself away from the drama. If you hate it and these people so much make an effort to avoid it. Otherwise you know deep down you're an attention whore that craves it, too much? Well it's true in some cases. But whatever, these people have a right to their opinion just like I stand by my very first blog where I say that Vermont is the best place to grow up. People vacation here during the summer, fall, winter and spring months. Why? Because you learn to fucking love life here. These mountains that turn lush green, snowy white and burn the colors of red, yellow and orange, make you take a step back and breathe. Relax. The stars at night and the way the full moon is the only light you need makes you realize there's nothing like nature, like living life to your fullest. And that's what I've learned here. That I'm going to do just that and I'm going to get out of here and when I come home will be so moved by the beauty I'll surely forget that I know I'll probably shed a few tears. The beauty of the world amazes me every time I step outdoors, I'm just ready now to let it amaze me all over the world. Starting in Ireland, possibly London and then who knows in the years to come where I'll be and where I'll go.
Here's another thing that I have come to appreciate:
I am suppose to be a broke ass college student. And that might seem strange to say but you know what? It's 100% true. I freak out and have anxiety attacks about the minimal bills I have to pay and the gas I have to have to get from here to there and there's not a damn thing I can do about it. That's life. It's a struggle, money is a problem, why stress? I always seem to make it, with the help of my parents or working extra hours or cleaning like hell around the house to find a few extra quarters. That's life. That's the life of a college student or anyone becoming an adult. It also tends to lead to some great stories. Like going to the cheapest greatest diner a half hour from here to buy a piece of pie and then sit there for hours with the greatest company, stuffing six crackers in your mouth, or eating cinnamon or trying to chug a cup of syrup. Laughing till you have tears in your eyes, running to the bathroom so you don't pee your pants and making great memories from absolutely nothing. Having movie marathons of movies we own and have seen a thousand times. Finding the most random ingredients or types of food in your friends house and just eating all of it. Wasting your money on gas just to go back road driving, on all the roads you have been driving on since you were fifteen. That's the good life. And no money in the world would make me wanna trade this life, honestly and seriously, although it would help if it was offered, but as long as I could keep this life. Just free money, that'd be awesome. But that's all I think I need to remind myself about right now. . . Be a broke ass college student, live life, prove people wrong, travel and don't commit if you don't want to. I don't know why I ever felt like such a failure, sure I had the right too at the time but now I've come out on the other side refreshed, ready to start anew and get this year rolling. It's going to be amazing and every story I'm going to be proud about to share with my kids someday. (How I Met Your Mother phase, except phase isn't a good word because phase is something you grow out of and lets face it when I like something, I LOVE it and obsess over it for the rest of my life. that's just me. :) it's really got me thinking about my life plans and the great stories I want to tell my children about my life. Like their amazing aunts who aren't even my blood sisters but should be. Or their great family or their mother's choices to live a different life and not follow the norm and tell them to do the same, to do whatever they want, live their life and make their own stories. I'm going to love and be proud of them no matter what.
And this is why I write, because it's all the things I'll know I'll forget to say or even possibly forget as my mind makes way for new adventures and stories it might shelve the best ones and make me forget about them. And I don't want to ever forget. So hopefully this blog is around years from now so I can read these to my children, or maybe I'll make every passage into a memoir of my life and read that to them when they're older. Who knows, I don't, and I don't think I want to. I'm just going to let life hit me and I'll take it as it comes, that's the best way to live it right?
Anyways this has literally taken me a week to write and I'm almost positive the stuff I wrote at the beginning makes absolutely no sense anymore. But I'm gonna keep it. So here we are. My first blog in over a year. Feels pretty good.
With all my love,
CassidyDoris<3
PS Sorry about the title, it can't be explained. Gentlements agreement. HUZZAH!
