I suffer from depression and anxiety. I was bullied and teased everyday for being fat and ugly. I was told some horrible things and I believed in them everyday of my life from the second I woke up to the moment I went to sleep. Most nights I cried myself to sleep and in middle school I began to self-harm myself until some of my brave brave friends got me help. I have never thought about suicide because I know the devastating effects it would have on my entire family and my friends. But for those who do. I beg you to stick with me. To fight with me. Because believe me I know you’re pain. I know the heartache and I know deep darkness that surrounds you and makes you feel alone. But the thing is, is it just makes you. You can fight it you’re so much better than the darkness and the bullies that tease you. Stay with me. Fight with me. Life is so worth living for. Cause you know what? Two years later, after finally leaving high school, I have accepted my beauty. I am beautiful and I may be overweight or plus-size or whatever you wanna call me but I am beautiful. And this depression nags on me every day of my life and this darkness threatens my existence every day of my life. But I will fight it, and I will live because I have friends and family and beautiful dog worth living for. I have amazing dreams in store for my life and I actually love my school at the moment. I’m on the Dean’s list and I’m dancing and I’m writing and I’m doing everything it takes to be me and nobody else and it’s amazing. I’m making my own independent thoughts and it’s amazing. So stay with me, because I fucking feel you. Life sucks and it’s hard but don’t give up on it. Don’t give up on it. It gets better and I know you want it to be better right now but it takes time and you have to try and fight your way out of the darkness for it to begin but there are people that can help and there are people that want to say they love you. Like me, I love you. And I’m always here, it’s what I do. Mama Cass and all, that’s what they call me. So stay with me, fight with me. This battle is a tough one, but we’re soldiers you and me. And some say we’re weak but I think we’re the strongest of our kind. Because they don’t know what it’s like to live this way and still be here in the morning. They don’t know what it’s like to battle darkness everyday and survive. Fight. Stay. Live. Love. Laugh. And promise me to never give up. It will get better.
With all my love,
Cassidy
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Monday, February 13, 2012
My depression
What have I done? The other day I was pulled over on the side of the road screaming my lungs out in rage and tears streamed down my face and no one was around me. I was alone. No one to save me, no one to put their arms around me, no one. And see I'm always there for anyone anytime of the day but I can't rely or let others do that for me. I need to be alone. Sometimes I often feel I deserve it but what have I ever done to deserve it? I don't know but that's a question I kept screaming along with 'Why me?' 'What have I done?' 'Why do I deserve this?' 'Why do I have to feel this way?'
What have I done? I can't begin to explain to you my depression a lot of people can't, a lot of people find it even hard to mention that they suffer from depression. Some people think it's a thing that will go away, others medicate themselves till they can't feel. People don't talk about it, people don't find help about it. But I can't do that. I can't shut myself up, but believe me I try. But the pain is to hard to bear to keep it in and so I try and rely on people and I try and tell them but could you handle all this? This baggage that I carry around, how can I expect someone to do this for me? To help me. But I need help. I need people to love me and I try so hard and you know what? People do. They love me and claim they love everything about me but they don't know the half of it. I feel a lot of people with depression think this way. They play pretend, happy, funny, loving, caring, kind, and you know what? I really am all of those things. But if I could just show you what's inside me. This demon eats me alive most days. I struggle to wake up, I struggle to sleep. I struggle to eat and when that begins I can't stop because I'm trying to feed my demon away for another day. Maybe make him stop tormenting me so much. This pain is unreal. It hurts more than the pain I suffer from my Chron's disease, which I was recently diagnosed with and am only learning to cope with. This pain I have suffered for two years now, but truthfully I can date it back all the way to the fourth grade maybe even longer than that. I was ripped from my innocence too early. I was teased and tormented to early and had to harshly succumb to the reality of this world. That it is cruel and it will tear down your dreams and it will rip away that pretty smile you wear on your face and make you replace it with a fake one.
What have I done? Tears stream down my face as I write this, quietly though seeing as it's midnight and I can't wake my family. They have no idea the pain I'm in. And I don't want to worry them. I never want to worry anyone. These burdens should be mine and mine alone. Right? I try so hard to make them mine but when I have the friends I do I feel so safe to tell them everything. And then I see them, their scared glances toward one another because I've made them uncomfortable, awkward, they don't know what to do. And they're frustrated because I keep bringing it up and they can only help me so much. But I'm driving them away. Expecting them to keep listening to me cry wolf. The same old story every time, pretty soon I'll turn into the boy who just gets eaten up by the wolf because people have stopped listening. I'm being very honest here because I'm not ashamed that I suffer from depression and anxiety. The ones who should be are the ones who relentlessly teased me for being fat. God forbid I like food. And it doesn't only stem from being called fat. I mean I can't really ever pinpoint why I feel the way I do. I just do. I try so hard to act right, whatever right is. But it's hard when I'm like this. In my deep hole I've come to call it. It's darkness surrounds me and cages me. Locks me tight away from the light and the air and the happiness. Away from my friends and my life. I just want to stay in bed most days.
What have I done? See I can stand here and be strong. I have been strong my whole life. I know my good qualities. I am a leader and I am brave. I'm brave enough to write this aren't I? Because people need to know what it's like. Depression isn't a joke and so many people suffer and just never know and fight so hard to be strong and then give up and I can't stand that. I want so badly to help you. Let you know that I will suffer my whole damn life with this but I will never give up because I know there are others like me. I am an intense person. I love life maybe more than others do and I make people uncomfortable because I love so strongly. But god damnit that's okay. And no one should be told that the life they lead isn't the right life. It is your life. You know people often tell me, when I tell them I'm getting ready to further my life. Apply for internships and find new colleges they tell me "How can you go away to another college when you couldn't go to the first one?" . . . Fuck them. I'm going to do this. On my own terms. You know I might've dropped out of college after one week and came home but you know who's decision that was? My fucking own. That was the first decision I can remember ever fully making where I didn't give a damn what people thought. Not my friends, not my family it was me. Call that selfish but I call that strength. I never would've started seeing a therapist, never would've seen a psychiatrist, never would've in a million years admitted that I was depressed although deep down I knew crying myself to sleep every night all through middle school wasn't okay. Calling my deep dark hole a home wasn't okay. So, with the help of my friends, I did all that. And yeah I'm on medication but let me tell you that it helps so much. You know except for right now and I'm in the funk I haven't been in months though. I mean months I have been happy and I have been putting my own life together and doing things my own way and loving it. I have been seeing the positive and loving it. And truth be told I think that I am so scared of that happiness lasting that I let the hole pull me back in for awhile. Because as sick as it is, it's my safety blanket. I'm afraid to be happy. Just like I'm afraid to be loved after having my heart trampled on. But I want to be. I want to love and be happy. But something in me, the demon won't let me. And you know I'm not all that religious but I was parked in front of a church when I had my break down and something about it made me want to laugh a little on the inside. Twisted right? But it just seemed odd to be breaking down, crying and screaming there. And when I looked over there was a sign that read "May the Good Lord Bless and Keep you." And I'm sorry there was something about that that made me cry even harder. Cause what I wouldn't do to believe in something like Him. To let my life be wrapped up in an unknown being and let them heal me and help me. But like I said I was ripped from my innocence to early and I just don't believe. I can like what God stands for, but I'm sorry I can't stand his followers.
So what have I done? But sit here and tell a computer, the internet, people unknown and known who might never read this what my depressions like. What my life is like what my mind goes through. It on a daily basis tries to get me to believe I am worthless and useless and unwanted and resented by my friends. And most days I believe it but I try so hard not to and I feel that should be enough but I know it isn't to some people that just isn't enough. I don't know what else to give but for the fact that I'll be here every day fighting. And I guess I want to share my story because I want you to know, whoever you might be, if you connect with this, fight with me. Stay. Because it sucks and I feel you believe me I fucking feel you. But leaving doesn't do any good. Because you just let the demon win, and I don't know about you but I'm a fierce bitch. I'm competitive and I don't like to lose. So the demon can try and eat me alive but it'll never get me. Not truly. Because there's something else in me, besides all the darkness I feel, besides the deep hole I get myself stuck in there's something else in me that knows there's more to life that just letting the demon win. I think it's the faces of my friends, the way dancing makes me feel, the way writing helps me express, the way the wind blows across my face, the sweet smell of grass and lilacs in the spring, the way water ripples across my skin, the way my dog snores and runs in her sleep, the way Harry fucking Potter kills Voldemort, the way Peeta loves Katniss, the way life just makes me step back sometimes and realize I will never let the demon win. And I will cry, and I will have many more terrifying break downs and I will make my friends uncomfortable and I will keep seeing a therapist and taking medications that make me better because I will be better. I can fight this. I have great things in my life that I never want to part from and why should I? Because a demon taunts me of all my flaws. We all have flaws and it's a downright lie if you think the bully who bullies you is perfect. Cause let me tell you something that bully probably has more problems then you do but they want to make it so you do, so you can be beneath them. But child, you never will be. You are always going to be so much better than any bully who ever tries to hurt you. Just stand your ground and stand strong.
So what have I done? I grew up in Vermont, that's one thing and if anything it might be the one thing that has truly saved my life. I have my soul mates here, my best friends. My dog, my family. I grew up around mountains that change with the seasons and make you stand back in awe. You love life in Vermont it's just a known fact. And I can't say what my life would be like if I never lived here, but because I do I can tell you this, this beauty of this state the way it makes me feel is indescribable but if I could try to put it into words it'd be this: I'm going to kick this demons ass. And that's just a known fact. So stick with me, and I guess we'll find out just how well I'll do. And I might have bruises, I already have scars but that's just life. And scars show that you're a warrior. I'm not gonna lie, I kind of love scars. And you know I write like it's so easy to accept all of this, but it's not and I know it's not and when I'm done here I'll probably go back to my cage and let it fill me with doubt and insecurities but I know there are places I can go to find strength and I know that little by little I'll try and accept it. I'll be stronger every day. That's a promise.
What have I done? I can't begin to explain to you my depression a lot of people can't, a lot of people find it even hard to mention that they suffer from depression. Some people think it's a thing that will go away, others medicate themselves till they can't feel. People don't talk about it, people don't find help about it. But I can't do that. I can't shut myself up, but believe me I try. But the pain is to hard to bear to keep it in and so I try and rely on people and I try and tell them but could you handle all this? This baggage that I carry around, how can I expect someone to do this for me? To help me. But I need help. I need people to love me and I try so hard and you know what? People do. They love me and claim they love everything about me but they don't know the half of it. I feel a lot of people with depression think this way. They play pretend, happy, funny, loving, caring, kind, and you know what? I really am all of those things. But if I could just show you what's inside me. This demon eats me alive most days. I struggle to wake up, I struggle to sleep. I struggle to eat and when that begins I can't stop because I'm trying to feed my demon away for another day. Maybe make him stop tormenting me so much. This pain is unreal. It hurts more than the pain I suffer from my Chron's disease, which I was recently diagnosed with and am only learning to cope with. This pain I have suffered for two years now, but truthfully I can date it back all the way to the fourth grade maybe even longer than that. I was ripped from my innocence too early. I was teased and tormented to early and had to harshly succumb to the reality of this world. That it is cruel and it will tear down your dreams and it will rip away that pretty smile you wear on your face and make you replace it with a fake one.
What have I done? Tears stream down my face as I write this, quietly though seeing as it's midnight and I can't wake my family. They have no idea the pain I'm in. And I don't want to worry them. I never want to worry anyone. These burdens should be mine and mine alone. Right? I try so hard to make them mine but when I have the friends I do I feel so safe to tell them everything. And then I see them, their scared glances toward one another because I've made them uncomfortable, awkward, they don't know what to do. And they're frustrated because I keep bringing it up and they can only help me so much. But I'm driving them away. Expecting them to keep listening to me cry wolf. The same old story every time, pretty soon I'll turn into the boy who just gets eaten up by the wolf because people have stopped listening. I'm being very honest here because I'm not ashamed that I suffer from depression and anxiety. The ones who should be are the ones who relentlessly teased me for being fat. God forbid I like food. And it doesn't only stem from being called fat. I mean I can't really ever pinpoint why I feel the way I do. I just do. I try so hard to act right, whatever right is. But it's hard when I'm like this. In my deep hole I've come to call it. It's darkness surrounds me and cages me. Locks me tight away from the light and the air and the happiness. Away from my friends and my life. I just want to stay in bed most days.
What have I done? See I can stand here and be strong. I have been strong my whole life. I know my good qualities. I am a leader and I am brave. I'm brave enough to write this aren't I? Because people need to know what it's like. Depression isn't a joke and so many people suffer and just never know and fight so hard to be strong and then give up and I can't stand that. I want so badly to help you. Let you know that I will suffer my whole damn life with this but I will never give up because I know there are others like me. I am an intense person. I love life maybe more than others do and I make people uncomfortable because I love so strongly. But god damnit that's okay. And no one should be told that the life they lead isn't the right life. It is your life. You know people often tell me, when I tell them I'm getting ready to further my life. Apply for internships and find new colleges they tell me "How can you go away to another college when you couldn't go to the first one?" . . . Fuck them. I'm going to do this. On my own terms. You know I might've dropped out of college after one week and came home but you know who's decision that was? My fucking own. That was the first decision I can remember ever fully making where I didn't give a damn what people thought. Not my friends, not my family it was me. Call that selfish but I call that strength. I never would've started seeing a therapist, never would've seen a psychiatrist, never would've in a million years admitted that I was depressed although deep down I knew crying myself to sleep every night all through middle school wasn't okay. Calling my deep dark hole a home wasn't okay. So, with the help of my friends, I did all that. And yeah I'm on medication but let me tell you that it helps so much. You know except for right now and I'm in the funk I haven't been in months though. I mean months I have been happy and I have been putting my own life together and doing things my own way and loving it. I have been seeing the positive and loving it. And truth be told I think that I am so scared of that happiness lasting that I let the hole pull me back in for awhile. Because as sick as it is, it's my safety blanket. I'm afraid to be happy. Just like I'm afraid to be loved after having my heart trampled on. But I want to be. I want to love and be happy. But something in me, the demon won't let me. And you know I'm not all that religious but I was parked in front of a church when I had my break down and something about it made me want to laugh a little on the inside. Twisted right? But it just seemed odd to be breaking down, crying and screaming there. And when I looked over there was a sign that read "May the Good Lord Bless and Keep you." And I'm sorry there was something about that that made me cry even harder. Cause what I wouldn't do to believe in something like Him. To let my life be wrapped up in an unknown being and let them heal me and help me. But like I said I was ripped from my innocence to early and I just don't believe. I can like what God stands for, but I'm sorry I can't stand his followers.
So what have I done? But sit here and tell a computer, the internet, people unknown and known who might never read this what my depressions like. What my life is like what my mind goes through. It on a daily basis tries to get me to believe I am worthless and useless and unwanted and resented by my friends. And most days I believe it but I try so hard not to and I feel that should be enough but I know it isn't to some people that just isn't enough. I don't know what else to give but for the fact that I'll be here every day fighting. And I guess I want to share my story because I want you to know, whoever you might be, if you connect with this, fight with me. Stay. Because it sucks and I feel you believe me I fucking feel you. But leaving doesn't do any good. Because you just let the demon win, and I don't know about you but I'm a fierce bitch. I'm competitive and I don't like to lose. So the demon can try and eat me alive but it'll never get me. Not truly. Because there's something else in me, besides all the darkness I feel, besides the deep hole I get myself stuck in there's something else in me that knows there's more to life that just letting the demon win. I think it's the faces of my friends, the way dancing makes me feel, the way writing helps me express, the way the wind blows across my face, the sweet smell of grass and lilacs in the spring, the way water ripples across my skin, the way my dog snores and runs in her sleep, the way Harry fucking Potter kills Voldemort, the way Peeta loves Katniss, the way life just makes me step back sometimes and realize I will never let the demon win. And I will cry, and I will have many more terrifying break downs and I will make my friends uncomfortable and I will keep seeing a therapist and taking medications that make me better because I will be better. I can fight this. I have great things in my life that I never want to part from and why should I? Because a demon taunts me of all my flaws. We all have flaws and it's a downright lie if you think the bully who bullies you is perfect. Cause let me tell you something that bully probably has more problems then you do but they want to make it so you do, so you can be beneath them. But child, you never will be. You are always going to be so much better than any bully who ever tries to hurt you. Just stand your ground and stand strong.
So what have I done? I grew up in Vermont, that's one thing and if anything it might be the one thing that has truly saved my life. I have my soul mates here, my best friends. My dog, my family. I grew up around mountains that change with the seasons and make you stand back in awe. You love life in Vermont it's just a known fact. And I can't say what my life would be like if I never lived here, but because I do I can tell you this, this beauty of this state the way it makes me feel is indescribable but if I could try to put it into words it'd be this: I'm going to kick this demons ass. And that's just a known fact. So stick with me, and I guess we'll find out just how well I'll do. And I might have bruises, I already have scars but that's just life. And scars show that you're a warrior. I'm not gonna lie, I kind of love scars. And you know I write like it's so easy to accept all of this, but it's not and I know it's not and when I'm done here I'll probably go back to my cage and let it fill me with doubt and insecurities but I know there are places I can go to find strength and I know that little by little I'll try and accept it. I'll be stronger every day. That's a promise.
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