I keep forgetting to write this blog! And then everytime I'm at work I remember that I need to write this blog. I work at a grocery store, have since my freshman year in high school. So I've worked there for three years and this Sunday is my last day and I am overwhelmed with joy. I have realized since coming back from my four day trip to College that I have been hiding behind so many things and while people view me as a sensible girl, smart, has a job, works hard and is going to go far. I've only had one job experience in my whole life and while I was never sheltered, I never really ventured off on my own completely either. I never tried new things is what I'm trying to say and I think that's why College was such a shock to me, such a difference from everything I knew. I walked into the grocery store I was going to be transferring too and realized it was ten times huger than the store I work at, at home. And I was going to supervise all of it? It immediately made me feel sick. And I realize it's because I am afraid to try new things, find new experiences in my life. I have used this job for the past three years as my security blanket. Everyone asks me why I stay if I'm so unhappy? Which is true most days if not everyday, I dread going to work. But I always tell them it's because I get paid so well, it's really not that bad. But for some reason it is for me, the amazing people I work with don't add up to the terrible people I have encountred. I have met the cruel world via a grocery store. I have been verbal abused in my lifetime by people I barely know and I am not okay with that. I feel like I lost a part of myself these last three years because of these people, a part of my soul and happiness. I find I can't tolerate people anymore because of them, everywhere I go I lash out in my mind at people who I see giving other cashiers a hard time or just seem impatient on the road and are trying to cut you off. I have incredible road rage that I think adds to the fact that I just hate people. So when they're going slow, I wail my horn at them. When they're on my ass, I drive 10 miles per hour. When we're on the highway and I see someone about to pass me (I don't play games, I win) I speed up so they can't pass me anymore. I just for some reason can't stand people, and when I got back from college I realized I can't let my life be like this anymore. I am way to young to settle, way to young to only experience certain things in my life because I am too afraid. I guess you could say that I turned a new leaf. I am going to become a new person who is learning each and every day how to spread her own wings and fly in the comfort of my own home.
But this is not what I wanted my blog to be about. I want to share with you my biggest pet peeves thanks to this job. I have no idea how many there will be I am just going to make a list till I can't think of anything anymore and then I'll come back and add to them later and when I brainstorm with my coworkers I will come back and add more. This list will go on forever and will be in my book about my life as a grocery store employee.
This is kind of like a you know you work at a grocery store and hate it when. . . type thing. :)
The List of Pet Peeves:
1) I find you irratating when you're on your phone and I'm trying to talk to you and ask you questions. You're a rude person.
2) I hate when people spin our little code bar that stands above our keyboard. It is not slot machine sir, you will not win but I might punch you in the face.
3) I hate it when you can't believe that I'm carding you even though you're this __ old. I do not care, it's a law and I'm not breaking it for you.
4) I hate it when you give me a hard time about a price being ten cents off what the sign said on the shelf. Does it look like that's my job? No I am a cashier, my name badge says so.
5) I hate it when I start bagging an order and they all of a sudden want paper bags, or they brought there own bags. Putting them at the beginning of the order or asking would've been nice.
6) I hate it when I get yelled at for forgetting to take the credits off for your bags. You get three cents a bag and only used two, wait I'll give you six cents out of my damn pocket if it'll make you stop crying about it.
7) I hate when I get through a whole order, the customer pays and then pulls out coupons that they forget. (Note: when you hear them go 'Oh shoot' as your back is turned to finish the order that means they forgot something and you might brace yourself for anger) because you then have to flash for a supervisor so they can put them in for you or tell them to go to the service desk. They think that's taking time out of their valuable lives when really you could've just gone through three orders already if they didn't hold you up.
8) I actually just hate reusable bags, I get that they are great for the enviroment but they are annoying to bag with and I believe the customer should bag their own order at that point.
9) I hate it when the customer needs to pay in ten million different ways.
10) I hate it when the customer comes through with a hundred dollar order and goes 'shoot I only have 65 dollars.' Guess you should've been keeping track of that now huh?
11) I hate it when a customer is in a hurry but they decide to go grocery shopping and then get pissed at you because of how busy it is. (Note: To those people who do that. How about you wait till after you get to wherever the hell it is you're going to, to go shopping. Because I promise you the world hates you so much that it'll be busy if you're just popping in for one thing. It's not like other people exist and need food.)
12) I hate it when people say something they think is clever but I've actually heard a million times. For instance: "Shoot I saved 10 cents, I can go far with that!" Ha ha. Pretty sure that's been done before.
13) I hate it when people read my name tag and go. "OH like hopalong Cassidy." Heard that a milllllion times (similar to number 12)
14) I hate it when people scan their own advantage cards. Whoa. This is my job, and THIS side of the register is mine, my bubble, get out.
15) I hateee it when people try to tell me how to do my job (when people give me the price of something that actually has to be weighed. . . that doesnt help.) or when they tell you that you scanned something in twice but you already caught it and voided it out. (There's a line that goes right through it, it's thin but visible. Just look.)
16) I hate it when people bring in their SCREAMING child and don't do anything about it. Take them outside, tell them to shut up or just don't bring them to a grocery store. I find it rude of you to wait in line with your screaming child and I can't assit my customer because I can't hear them.
17) I hate the fact that we have to tuck in our shirts. I have a bit of pudge, it doesn't look so good with a tucked in shirt.
18) I hate that we can't dye our hair because it's unprofessional. I'm just a part time cashier and my hair should be the least of a customers problem, at least I'm not a bitch to them. In fact I'm the nicest and hardest worker in the store.
19) I hate it when I see a child eating an apple or banana that their parent gave to them. Those have to be weighed to be bought, so you basically are letting your child eat a stolen item in front of me and I'm pissed.
20) I hate it when people take forever to write out a check when you tell them that all they have to do is sign it and they're going to get it right back.
21) I hate when people swipe they're cards in a million times but the card doesn't take and they get pissed, it's because you're going to fast and oh look at the screen it's asking you to press a button. . . pay attention.
22) I hate it when people don't use the dividers and I start scanning another persons order. Don't fuckingggg get pissed at me because you don't understand what these BRIGHT green little rectangular boxes are for. Oh and another tip. It's called the Void button, *poof* the item vanished from your order. All better.
23) I hate it when people watch me press the subtotal button and they're not finished with their order and freak out like the register is automatically going to think they're done and pay for itself. Nope I need your cash or credit card to do that.
24) I hate when there are maybe five-six registers open and we're starting to get lines and someone has the balls to ask me if we're going to open another one anytime soon. We're doing the best we can. We only have a certain amount of help during the day, there's not a lot we can do and I'm sure you can wait. Why would you come to a grocery store and not expect there to be people?
25) I hate hate hateee when people ask me why I dont have a bagger. We literally have two baggers a day, express cashiers don't get baggers and the two that are here have to go back and forth and bag for the 6 other registers that are open. Your arms aren't broken, you're not lazy. Bag your own damn groceries. The nerve of people.
. . . hmm I really can't think of anything else. But this is a really good start. I'll brainstorm with my coworkers and see what else comes up! I hope that maybe this made you laugh a little. I get that there is a lot of anger in this but over the years I've had a lot of built up anger because of this job. So here is a good place to vent, and to my fellow cashiers I know you agree with this 100%.
Until next time,
Cassidy Doris
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
You Found Me
1.) Put your iTunes, Windows Media Player, etc. on shuffle.
2.) For each question, press the next buttin to get your answer.
3.) YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS.
I quite love these type of survey things. :)
1.) IF SOMEONE SAYS 'ARE YOU OK', YOU SAY?
Sweet Disposition
2.) HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE YOURSELF?
Whataya Want From Me?
3.) WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
White Houses
4.) HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
Untouchable
5.) WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
Little Lover's so Polite.
6.) WHAT'S YOUR MOTTO?
Journey to the Cave
7.) WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
The Other Side of the Door
8.) WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
Breathe
9.) WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
All the Right Moves
10.) WHAT IS 2+2?
California Love
11.) WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
Love the Way You Lie.
. . . this sounds bad but it is one of our jams so this sounds perfect. :)
12.) WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
Monument
13.) WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
Toxic Valentine
14.) WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Ready for the Floor
15.) WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
Coffeeshop Soundtrack
16.) WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
Colorblind
17.) WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
I know how to love you well
18.) WHAT IS YOUR BIGGETS FEAR?
Drop the World
19.) WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
Talking to Myself
20.) WHAT DO YOU WANT RIGHT NOW?
Getting down to the "Heart of the Matter."
21.) WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
When You're Gone
22.) WHAT WILL YOU NAME THIS NOTE?
You Found Me
2.) For each question, press the next buttin to get your answer.
3.) YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS.
I quite love these type of survey things. :)
1.) IF SOMEONE SAYS 'ARE YOU OK', YOU SAY?
Sweet Disposition
2.) HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE YOURSELF?
Whataya Want From Me?
3.) WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
White Houses
4.) HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
Untouchable
5.) WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
Little Lover's so Polite.
6.) WHAT'S YOUR MOTTO?
Journey to the Cave
7.) WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
The Other Side of the Door
8.) WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
Breathe
9.) WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
All the Right Moves
10.) WHAT IS 2+2?
California Love
11.) WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
Love the Way You Lie.
. . . this sounds bad but it is one of our jams so this sounds perfect. :)
12.) WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
Monument
13.) WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
Toxic Valentine
14.) WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Ready for the Floor
15.) WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
Coffeeshop Soundtrack
16.) WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
Colorblind
17.) WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
I know how to love you well
18.) WHAT IS YOUR BIGGETS FEAR?
Drop the World
19.) WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
Talking to Myself
20.) WHAT DO YOU WANT RIGHT NOW?
Getting down to the "Heart of the Matter."
21.) WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
When You're Gone
22.) WHAT WILL YOU NAME THIS NOTE?
You Found Me
My Soulmates
It's hard to really begin this piece, but I mainly think it's necessary for the world to know how deeply connect my girls are. We are simply one word; soulmates.
What has brought up this whole post though I must start at the beginning and work my way back. Which is where I will bring you back to the four or five days of college I attended. I can never remember. I was so afraid to tell my friends, I wanted to leave and when I did and they convinced me to stay open minded and I did, for one more day. They couldn't know, I just wanted to be home, to be comfortable again. I would've given anything to have the summer back with my girls. I wasn't ready to give them up. And the moment I decided to leave, I was so worried it would change everything. I texted them to let them know I was leaving and didn't hear a word from anyone for a whole day. I contemplated my life alone at that point (I know, jumping the gun just a little bit) But I felt like it wasn't like my friends not to respond in some way for a whole day. And I wondered what it would be like, my lonely life. Going to work everyday and coming home alone. It seemed so sad and disappointing and I soon started to regret the decision of leaving school, only because it seemed to upset my best friends greatly.
I did hear from them and all the worry was soon lifted off my shoulders, but I carried around this overwhelming since of saddness after that. This sense of lonliness even though one of my best friends was still down the street, (thank god for that.) I can't really explain it, I just felt that maybe I still had shattered something because we barely every talked together. The four of us were clearly in different places at this moment, adjusting to our new lives. Days elapsed before I would talk to Jordan and Kelsey, when we didn't go a day without at least texting. Everything felt weird for me. Sometimes I felt left out, wondering why my friends couldn't confide in me because it felt like whenever we talked we barely grazed the surface of what used to be the deepest conversations anyone could experience.
This past weekend, Kelsey came home for the weekend and something shifted. I felt connected to everything again in away I hadn't felt in what felt like a long time. There were so many exciting things happening in our lives, and we experience a jam packed weekend with no sleep at all. It felt good to get back to normal. Laugh and love again with my girls.
Just a few hours ago I just confessed probably some of the most bottled up emotions I've been feeling to months and cried my eyes out while Skype chatting to Kelsey, as Bridget walked in alarmed and then started to cry too. And I can't explain how raw and beautiful that moment was. We all just opened up to each other via so many different ways of communication but at least it was communication. And when I confessed my fear of being alone because of what I did, my very wise and beautiful best friend replied, "Soulmates just don't leave." And so they don't.
My best friends have been through more than any best friends have. We've experienced happiness, love, loss, pain, tears and laughter. We've seen our worst fears and faced them together head on and I know we're going to make it through just fine. Because soulmates are there for life and I guess I didn't fully understand the concept till Bridget explained it to me so clearly; they don't just leave. Maybe I shouldn't try to let them leave just because that's all I know. I have lossed so many friends because of change, because of college. It is perhaps my biggest fear to lose them too because of this. Because them I simply can't bear leaving. I've managed to cope with the rest of my losses, even though they're cross my mind everyday like a ghost passing by.
And I still can't, even in this blog, profess my undying gradtitude and love I have for these girls. They are each apart of me in someway. The way I lick my fingers is a habit of Jordans only we realize, the sarcasm of Bridget has rubbed off on me quite well and well Kelsey and I never truly realize how perfect we are married until we're being absolutely silly together and professing the sillest thing. God I love these girls, they warm my heart and soul and I can't honestly believe I was lucky enough to have found them. And we found each other in so many different fashions. I've known Bridget since Kindergarten, Kelsey a few years later (until we lost touch and reconnected in middle school) and Jordan not until our Sophmore year in High School. But it seems so much longer. The point is how can girls who know each other on different levels, different amounts of time and in different ways (For example: Jordan and I met through dance, our common love, and the other girls met her through classes) then how do we gel so well together? Because it was meant to be, I truly believe that. We were meant to be best friends perhaps for the rest of our lives.
And I fear I have not nearly explained my soulmates enough, but when they read this I have a feeling they will be satisfied, till they see what a terrible job my grammar and spelling skills were. Because I'm sure there are many, mainly because it's 3:30 in the morning and I want to be sleeping just like Bridget is next to me. But I just had to express my love and everything that had just happened, it just felt necessary.
Until next time,
Cassidy Doris
What has brought up this whole post though I must start at the beginning and work my way back. Which is where I will bring you back to the four or five days of college I attended. I can never remember. I was so afraid to tell my friends, I wanted to leave and when I did and they convinced me to stay open minded and I did, for one more day. They couldn't know, I just wanted to be home, to be comfortable again. I would've given anything to have the summer back with my girls. I wasn't ready to give them up. And the moment I decided to leave, I was so worried it would change everything. I texted them to let them know I was leaving and didn't hear a word from anyone for a whole day. I contemplated my life alone at that point (I know, jumping the gun just a little bit) But I felt like it wasn't like my friends not to respond in some way for a whole day. And I wondered what it would be like, my lonely life. Going to work everyday and coming home alone. It seemed so sad and disappointing and I soon started to regret the decision of leaving school, only because it seemed to upset my best friends greatly.
I did hear from them and all the worry was soon lifted off my shoulders, but I carried around this overwhelming since of saddness after that. This sense of lonliness even though one of my best friends was still down the street, (thank god for that.) I can't really explain it, I just felt that maybe I still had shattered something because we barely every talked together. The four of us were clearly in different places at this moment, adjusting to our new lives. Days elapsed before I would talk to Jordan and Kelsey, when we didn't go a day without at least texting. Everything felt weird for me. Sometimes I felt left out, wondering why my friends couldn't confide in me because it felt like whenever we talked we barely grazed the surface of what used to be the deepest conversations anyone could experience.
This past weekend, Kelsey came home for the weekend and something shifted. I felt connected to everything again in away I hadn't felt in what felt like a long time. There were so many exciting things happening in our lives, and we experience a jam packed weekend with no sleep at all. It felt good to get back to normal. Laugh and love again with my girls.
Just a few hours ago I just confessed probably some of the most bottled up emotions I've been feeling to months and cried my eyes out while Skype chatting to Kelsey, as Bridget walked in alarmed and then started to cry too. And I can't explain how raw and beautiful that moment was. We all just opened up to each other via so many different ways of communication but at least it was communication. And when I confessed my fear of being alone because of what I did, my very wise and beautiful best friend replied, "Soulmates just don't leave." And so they don't.
My best friends have been through more than any best friends have. We've experienced happiness, love, loss, pain, tears and laughter. We've seen our worst fears and faced them together head on and I know we're going to make it through just fine. Because soulmates are there for life and I guess I didn't fully understand the concept till Bridget explained it to me so clearly; they don't just leave. Maybe I shouldn't try to let them leave just because that's all I know. I have lossed so many friends because of change, because of college. It is perhaps my biggest fear to lose them too because of this. Because them I simply can't bear leaving. I've managed to cope with the rest of my losses, even though they're cross my mind everyday like a ghost passing by.
And I still can't, even in this blog, profess my undying gradtitude and love I have for these girls. They are each apart of me in someway. The way I lick my fingers is a habit of Jordans only we realize, the sarcasm of Bridget has rubbed off on me quite well and well Kelsey and I never truly realize how perfect we are married until we're being absolutely silly together and professing the sillest thing. God I love these girls, they warm my heart and soul and I can't honestly believe I was lucky enough to have found them. And we found each other in so many different fashions. I've known Bridget since Kindergarten, Kelsey a few years later (until we lost touch and reconnected in middle school) and Jordan not until our Sophmore year in High School. But it seems so much longer. The point is how can girls who know each other on different levels, different amounts of time and in different ways (For example: Jordan and I met through dance, our common love, and the other girls met her through classes) then how do we gel so well together? Because it was meant to be, I truly believe that. We were meant to be best friends perhaps for the rest of our lives.
And I fear I have not nearly explained my soulmates enough, but when they read this I have a feeling they will be satisfied, till they see what a terrible job my grammar and spelling skills were. Because I'm sure there are many, mainly because it's 3:30 in the morning and I want to be sleeping just like Bridget is next to me. But I just had to express my love and everything that had just happened, it just felt necessary.
Until next time,
Cassidy Doris
Monday, October 11, 2010
The beginning
I'm getting caught up in this blogging business because, well, writing is my life, so why don't I have a blog already? Right? I realize that it has been nearly over 4 months since I last wrote anything. Since High School ended, summer ran away from us crazy teens in a hurry and fall loomed upon us with the always silencing fear that winter is not far behind. I went to college, for all of about four or five days and realized . . . I didn't want to be there. I have this inkling that as I write in this blog I will discover my true reasoning of why I left college, whether I keep it to myself or share with others will be my choosing however. But I ask myself these questions every day of why I wanted to leave. Was it fear? Fear of change? Losing everything I was so comfortable with? Fear of what, because I was once, very happy to go to college. So why is it that when I finally got there I ran just as fast as that summer did from me and my three best friends.
I guess in time I will find the answers to these questions, but you should know, (incase you didn't already) that I didn't mention, not once, the word regret. I do not regret my decision in the slightest. I am so happy with my life right now. I just sometimes wish that I had answer for that infamous question I get from just about everyone I run into, why? I want to know why too, but I don't so I'll get back to you on that one.
For now, get to know me.
My names Cassidy, I am 18.
I have decided to get a blog mainly for some place to write, and well, in doing so I am sharing with others, whoever those others might be that venture across my writing.
I have a few ideas of what I will write about, but I don't think I will share them with you quite yet.
I think it should be known that I do not do well with criticism from people I do not know. I do not even take compliments from people I do not know, or for that matter people who are near and dear to my heart.
So let it be clear if you come to tear me down, I have wasted to much of my life letting people do so. If you wish to criticize my poor grammar skills, I already have two woman who are frankly the best in the business and whom I refer to as the two people who will ever edit my first great novel someday and don't need your help.
I write because I have to many pent up emotions that I try and bottle up for the sake of my friends, who I never think should carry a burden that isn't there's, but they have taught me that, well, they don't give a damn and will get it out of me one way or another.
I have, for the most part, a very good life. I have not had to deal with half or really any of the tragedies that most kids my age, in this unforgiving world, have had to go through. My parents are still married, I have thankfully never had to deal with an real and tragic loss and don't live in a bad neighborhood or state for that matter. Vermont is pretty damn peaceful and beautiful and I swear that I try to never hate on it as much as I do because I truly believe Vermont is a state where you come to appreciate life because of all the beauty it holds here.
But I can tell you this I have seen a sort of darkness, if you will, that most people should never have to face but almost everyone does and some even sadly succumb to it and for that I wish you to know that I am here and I have come out most refreshingly alive and anew.
Which leads me to the explanation of my first tattoo that almost no one ever hears about but I'm most certain my girls have guessed, because they know me so well.
My tattoo is a little bare tree on my right shoulder blade, a full moon peering through its branches and lyrics written below that go like this,
"Through the trees, I will find you, I will heal the ruins left inside you, because I am still here breathing now."
And I must tell you how much I hold these lyrics to my heart, sure they are sung from a made up band in a movie that is far to silly but at the same time amazeballs, that it seems odd when I tell people where this tattoo came from. But really I don't think of it as coming from the movie but being about something, a point in time of my life that is so real to me, I must share it with the world. I am still alive, and while that darkness almost scared me to death I found hope, I have love and I knew I couldn't just give up. This life is far to interesting to give up, there will be bad days but I can most certainly promise you there is a good day to balance it all out.
From that I have become known as Mama Cass. I always joke saying "It's because I take care of my young." When really it's because I want to protect them from that darkness, make sure everyone around me, that has ever come in contact with me knows love, knows that there is always someone there. There is always me.
You might find this odd, thinking a girl like me is far to serious with her life if she feels the need to protect everybody, but it's quite the contrary. I can be quite daring and most of all I am happy. So therefore, I think that is, perhaps above all, my goal and purpose in life. To make sure everyone I know gets a chance to be daring and happy. For how does that quote go,
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make, manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."
I used to and in some portions of my life still am frightened of my light, I play small and think who I am I to brilliant and gorgeous. But as my life moves on I have learned that I must hold onto my light with everything possible and help to liberate others into finding their own. I can no longer be afraid of who I am, because who I am is everything I've got now.
And now I fear I must stop, or else I will make a bibliography for that quote I used and really sum up this paper I've just written. There will be more for all those who care to continue. . .
Until next time,
Cassidy Doris
I guess in time I will find the answers to these questions, but you should know, (incase you didn't already) that I didn't mention, not once, the word regret. I do not regret my decision in the slightest. I am so happy with my life right now. I just sometimes wish that I had answer for that infamous question I get from just about everyone I run into, why? I want to know why too, but I don't so I'll get back to you on that one.
For now, get to know me.
My names Cassidy, I am 18.
I have decided to get a blog mainly for some place to write, and well, in doing so I am sharing with others, whoever those others might be that venture across my writing.
I have a few ideas of what I will write about, but I don't think I will share them with you quite yet.
I think it should be known that I do not do well with criticism from people I do not know. I do not even take compliments from people I do not know, or for that matter people who are near and dear to my heart.
So let it be clear if you come to tear me down, I have wasted to much of my life letting people do so. If you wish to criticize my poor grammar skills, I already have two woman who are frankly the best in the business and whom I refer to as the two people who will ever edit my first great novel someday and don't need your help.
I write because I have to many pent up emotions that I try and bottle up for the sake of my friends, who I never think should carry a burden that isn't there's, but they have taught me that, well, they don't give a damn and will get it out of me one way or another.
I have, for the most part, a very good life. I have not had to deal with half or really any of the tragedies that most kids my age, in this unforgiving world, have had to go through. My parents are still married, I have thankfully never had to deal with an real and tragic loss and don't live in a bad neighborhood or state for that matter. Vermont is pretty damn peaceful and beautiful and I swear that I try to never hate on it as much as I do because I truly believe Vermont is a state where you come to appreciate life because of all the beauty it holds here.
But I can tell you this I have seen a sort of darkness, if you will, that most people should never have to face but almost everyone does and some even sadly succumb to it and for that I wish you to know that I am here and I have come out most refreshingly alive and anew.
Which leads me to the explanation of my first tattoo that almost no one ever hears about but I'm most certain my girls have guessed, because they know me so well.
My tattoo is a little bare tree on my right shoulder blade, a full moon peering through its branches and lyrics written below that go like this,
"Through the trees, I will find you, I will heal the ruins left inside you, because I am still here breathing now."
And I must tell you how much I hold these lyrics to my heart, sure they are sung from a made up band in a movie that is far to silly but at the same time amazeballs, that it seems odd when I tell people where this tattoo came from. But really I don't think of it as coming from the movie but being about something, a point in time of my life that is so real to me, I must share it with the world. I am still alive, and while that darkness almost scared me to death I found hope, I have love and I knew I couldn't just give up. This life is far to interesting to give up, there will be bad days but I can most certainly promise you there is a good day to balance it all out.
From that I have become known as Mama Cass. I always joke saying "It's because I take care of my young." When really it's because I want to protect them from that darkness, make sure everyone around me, that has ever come in contact with me knows love, knows that there is always someone there. There is always me.
You might find this odd, thinking a girl like me is far to serious with her life if she feels the need to protect everybody, but it's quite the contrary. I can be quite daring and most of all I am happy. So therefore, I think that is, perhaps above all, my goal and purpose in life. To make sure everyone I know gets a chance to be daring and happy. For how does that quote go,
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make, manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."
I used to and in some portions of my life still am frightened of my light, I play small and think who I am I to brilliant and gorgeous. But as my life moves on I have learned that I must hold onto my light with everything possible and help to liberate others into finding their own. I can no longer be afraid of who I am, because who I am is everything I've got now.
And now I fear I must stop, or else I will make a bibliography for that quote I used and really sum up this paper I've just written. There will be more for all those who care to continue. . .
Until next time,
Cassidy Doris
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