I'm getting caught up in this blogging business because, well, writing is my life, so why don't I have a blog already? Right? I realize that it has been nearly over 4 months since I last wrote anything. Since High School ended, summer ran away from us crazy teens in a hurry and fall loomed upon us with the always silencing fear that winter is not far behind. I went to college, for all of about four or five days and realized . . . I didn't want to be there. I have this inkling that as I write in this blog I will discover my true reasoning of why I left college, whether I keep it to myself or share with others will be my choosing however. But I ask myself these questions every day of why I wanted to leave. Was it fear? Fear of change? Losing everything I was so comfortable with? Fear of what, because I was once, very happy to go to college. So why is it that when I finally got there I ran just as fast as that summer did from me and my three best friends.
I guess in time I will find the answers to these questions, but you should know, (incase you didn't already) that I didn't mention, not once, the word regret. I do not regret my decision in the slightest. I am so happy with my life right now. I just sometimes wish that I had answer for that infamous question I get from just about everyone I run into, why? I want to know why too, but I don't so I'll get back to you on that one.
For now, get to know me.
My names Cassidy, I am 18.
I have decided to get a blog mainly for some place to write, and well, in doing so I am sharing with others, whoever those others might be that venture across my writing.
I have a few ideas of what I will write about, but I don't think I will share them with you quite yet.
I think it should be known that I do not do well with criticism from people I do not know. I do not even take compliments from people I do not know, or for that matter people who are near and dear to my heart.
So let it be clear if you come to tear me down, I have wasted to much of my life letting people do so. If you wish to criticize my poor grammar skills, I already have two woman who are frankly the best in the business and whom I refer to as the two people who will ever edit my first great novel someday and don't need your help.
I write because I have to many pent up emotions that I try and bottle up for the sake of my friends, who I never think should carry a burden that isn't there's, but they have taught me that, well, they don't give a damn and will get it out of me one way or another.
I have, for the most part, a very good life. I have not had to deal with half or really any of the tragedies that most kids my age, in this unforgiving world, have had to go through. My parents are still married, I have thankfully never had to deal with an real and tragic loss and don't live in a bad neighborhood or state for that matter. Vermont is pretty damn peaceful and beautiful and I swear that I try to never hate on it as much as I do because I truly believe Vermont is a state where you come to appreciate life because of all the beauty it holds here.
But I can tell you this I have seen a sort of darkness, if you will, that most people should never have to face but almost everyone does and some even sadly succumb to it and for that I wish you to know that I am here and I have come out most refreshingly alive and anew.
Which leads me to the explanation of my first tattoo that almost no one ever hears about but I'm most certain my girls have guessed, because they know me so well.
My tattoo is a little bare tree on my right shoulder blade, a full moon peering through its branches and lyrics written below that go like this,
"Through the trees, I will find you, I will heal the ruins left inside you, because I am still here breathing now."
And I must tell you how much I hold these lyrics to my heart, sure they are sung from a made up band in a movie that is far to silly but at the same time amazeballs, that it seems odd when I tell people where this tattoo came from. But really I don't think of it as coming from the movie but being about something, a point in time of my life that is so real to me, I must share it with the world. I am still alive, and while that darkness almost scared me to death I found hope, I have love and I knew I couldn't just give up. This life is far to interesting to give up, there will be bad days but I can most certainly promise you there is a good day to balance it all out.
From that I have become known as Mama Cass. I always joke saying "It's because I take care of my young." When really it's because I want to protect them from that darkness, make sure everyone around me, that has ever come in contact with me knows love, knows that there is always someone there. There is always me.
You might find this odd, thinking a girl like me is far to serious with her life if she feels the need to protect everybody, but it's quite the contrary. I can be quite daring and most of all I am happy. So therefore, I think that is, perhaps above all, my goal and purpose in life. To make sure everyone I know gets a chance to be daring and happy. For how does that quote go,
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make, manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."
I used to and in some portions of my life still am frightened of my light, I play small and think who I am I to brilliant and gorgeous. But as my life moves on I have learned that I must hold onto my light with everything possible and help to liberate others into finding their own. I can no longer be afraid of who I am, because who I am is everything I've got now.
And now I fear I must stop, or else I will make a bibliography for that quote I used and really sum up this paper I've just written. There will be more for all those who care to continue. . .
Until next time,
Cassidy Doris
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