Speak Now

The thing about Taylor Swift, for me and all my friends is that there is one song that is just us. It either describes us individually, tells a story about a boy that describes the boys in our lives, or tells the story of friendship and everlasting love. Taylor Swift is best listened to in a car on the back roads of Vermont. You must definitely have it blasting out of your speakers, and the windows rolled down so you can inhale the sweet scent or spring, summer, or fall. Sadly, winter is not the best time for the windows to be rolled down, or to be driving on back roads with the fear of getting stuck in pot holes, mud, or crashing your unreliable car into a ditch because of the icy situations of the winter season. But no fear blasting it at your best friends house, with a fire blaring and dancing like crazy people in the living room is the best solution for your Taylor Swift needs when it's to cold to go anywhere. The thing that captures me and my friends with Speak Now is the way Taylor just, speaks. She doesn't hold back and she doesn't care that she is portraying her whole life through songs that people around the world will listen to. There is a song in there for each one of my girls. But the thing that I most fell in love with was the Prologue. I have such respect for Taylor Swift because of her courage and strength. She is just so raw with her feelings. She is Fearless. And that's all I can hope to be and it's pretty easy to see how Taylor Swift is such an amazing role-model for today's youth. She is so down to earth and loving, she doesn't see the need to fit in by using drugs or alcohol. The way she can just showcase her life through music as her therapy to get over things and move on, should be an example for all people who are struggling with their own happiness. I choose to write when I'm upset, I write letters to people that they might never read, I write to myself about my pain and how to stay strong and move on. I write stories that relate to my life and portray my emotions through characters. And I feel that everyone just needs that one thing to help them stay strong and move on. If you're struggling to be happy because of the people around you maybe they shouldn't be around you. If you're friends are bringing you down they are no friends at all, if random people are telling you things that hurt you, I ask you who are they to your life? Nothing more than bullies who, I can promise you, are going no where in life. They will one day get theirs. Karma is a bitch. And I can promise you that none of this is worth giving up on what this world has to offer.

There was one time in my life where I was in love with a boy. Of course we've all been there right? Right. And I can tell you that I truly had such strong feelings for him, was it love? It could've been for that age, it could've been. I loved him for three years. From 7th Grade to my Freshman year and we were on and off. He was the one that always broke up with me but never actually broke up with me to my face, he had friends do it, or text messages and I thought that it was fine the way he treated me. He would never stick up for me when his friends criticized me and broke me down piece by piece; that pulled me into a spiral of depression that eventually brought me to the point of where I self-inflicted the pain they were making me feel. I never thought anything of it when he would break up with me because I wouldn't 'put out' I thought it was my fault and maybe I should if I loved him so much. And I almost let him and I'm so glad that I didn't. And I don't mean to portray him as this terrible guy because he really isn't, we've actually managed to have a friendship. We've both grown up and matured and he was just being a boy that felt pressured by his peers to try and get with me but never actually love me. I remember in my Freshman year when I started to lose all of my feelings for him, when we kissed my stomach no longer flipped, when he looked me in the eyes and told me he loved me I no longer felt the truth behind my own words when I said it back and I was scared. Because I could tell that he actually loved me, he was actually feeling something towards me and I wasn't anymore. I kept thinking what am I going to do once I don't have a boyfriend anymore? What am I going to do without that companionship and love. The kissing and cute little moments, how long would it be till I had that again? And then I realized that I couldn't be unhappy in this relationship just because I was afraid of being on my own. Single and alone. And of course you're never really alone, I had some of the best friends that pulled me through but it was scary. But that freedom wasn't so terrifying once I started to move on. Looking back on this 7 years later, I realize how unhealthy that relationship was. I was at his beck and call whenever he wanted to be together and not, I still loved him and hung out with him when we weren't together and I cried myself to sleep every night, wishing he would just love me again. My life became centered around him, and no ones life should be about anyone else but themselves. It might seem selfish but so true, you have got to pay attention to yourself, love yourself before you can ever get in a relationship that was this toxic. I don't know how I found the strength but I just woke up one day and realized that I was ready to move on, so for the first time in three years after about 6 on and off again attempts at a relationship, I broke up with him, to his face and I had never felt more powerful. Well, that is until three years later when I spoke up to someone who once again I found my life being dictated around.

He was my best friend for six years, sounds romantic right? Oh best friends falling in love, how adorable. In fact it was worse towards the end of our friendship then the relationship I had actually been in. When  I realized I loved him it seemed to make everything worse, my actions around him began to change. I was more sensitive to his actions as well, his friends would make fun of the fact that we were friends, that I so often called him my best friend and therefore it made me turn into this weirdo controlling person who would always get mad at him the second I felt like he was ashamed of me. Wherever we went together and saw people he knew I'd always 'feel' like I sensed he was embarrassed to be around me and when I'd call him out on it, it would always be this big huge fight, that would leave me angry and hurt. I realize looking back on it, that I was still an immature, insecure girl, but most of the time it was with good reason because I believed I was an embarrassment, even though most of the time I was just a hugely overreacting.  I know now, however, looking back on it that he really wasn't ashamed. He was always there for me, regardless of how weird I always acted around him. He helped build up the confidence I know have in myself. I remember the moment he found out I was cutting myself and he made me promise I would never do it again, that I had to stop and that I had to tell him whenever I felt like I might try again and he would be there for me. I think this is why I feel in love with him, why I'm still in love with him because I know he is still this person who wears his heart of his sleeve. I remember watching him hold back tears when his girlfriend in high school had broken up with him, it was something I feel like you rarely see. The man loves the woman more. Another reason. But eventually we became to good to be true, his freshman year of College he was coming home every weekend and we were constantly hanging out. And I was so sure that I was watching him fall in love with me too but he didn't want to say anything for the same reasons I didn't. Because I knew that if it was even whispered it would shatter the bubble we were in. I was just so sure of it, but I think I was just trying to push something I thought would be so perfect. I mean it is kind of romantic when two best friends fall in love. Our friendship would change no matter what. The following year, however, something shifted and I felt that I knew what is was. The year before I don't think he was feeling too comfortable with College, adjusting was hard for him and he knew that he could find me, his best friend waiting for him and to be there for him. (this is only my assumption, I don't really know why he came home every weekend, but this seems to be the best answer.)  But his sophomore year I could feel he was adjusting, finding friends, and his weekends at home were less and less. I once again found myself in a whirlwind of emotions, my life was once again revolving around a man who simply was losing interest. My friends encouraged me to write a letter to him that he'd never read and then they printed that letter and kidnapped me up to his school. (trust me I thank them for this, they are the best friends I could ever ask for.) I left the note on his door and I spoke up. I was tired of crying over him and I just wanted answers. But the answers I got have never shattered my heart so much. It felt like my heart was just laying in pieces on the floor that I was forced to put back together for what felt like the millionth time. I haven't talked to him in a little over a year, we've run into each other a few times and he has tried to make it seem like nothing has changed, when it has. While he helped build me up into the confident person I am, he has also helped me put up a barrier that I no longer feel the need to let another man break through. At least not now. I am certainly open to finding that one, but I'm not going to force the situation to happen like I so often have done in the past, whatever is to come is to come and I have to learn to just be satisfied with my life in the present. Which I am. The only thing I have come to realize is the most important in my life, is my friends. Friends are soul mates and boys can simply be something all just have fun with. I will no longer let me life be dictated from what a boy is feeling, I am my own person and I am so glad that I have been able to have these experiences to teach me that.


The point I am trying to get across to those who feel lost, alone and scared is that you're simply never alone. There is someone who is always there for you, whether it's a friend, a parent or a teacher. Never feel like you have to do everything alone, and sure there are journeys you might have to take alone, you must not be afraid of them. And if you do get scared there is someone there to cheer you on. You must continue on this journey, don't give up. And to those people who are getting you down, you must know that the only person who will truly get you down is yourself. You have the power to not care what they think, to stand up for yourself and speak now. I did, I spoke with the words that I wrote, the words that I have always written to help me move on. And I will never be ashamed of that. So whether you go and blast some Taylor Swift to make you feel worthy or write in your Journal or talk to a friend, you must know you are worthy. You are valued and appreciated and your life serves a purpose you just need to find. Life's a journey, but as long as you, ask questions, take a stand and fight, you will find your voice. Let your voice rise and in the words of Taylor Swift. . . speak now.


Until next time,
CassidyDoris