Trying some writing excersises

So this is the first writing exercise I might immediately delete because I am under the influence of my sleeping pill and I'm afraid of what will be written when it takes over control. So quick quick let's begin. and Let's begin by saying that why I love this rather fun loving drug it's affects are so strange in the fact that in my mind I am seeing this as a meeting. That you words have come together to see what we are here to be discussed. Now as we know Cassidy never speaks when she writes. To us, she is silent, but we all know the real Cassidy and just how crazy that is but right now she's not even in her own state of mind. She is in ours, she's studying our words and the way they're formed. The importance of words. She's interested in what we do on our down time. When we're not need, like when people are sleeping for instance. Do books have dancing parties where they meet the page that is above them most of them time and dance around in a flame of fiery words she had discarded that day anyway. It is a funeral of shorts for the words, saying good-bye to the words that didn't make the cut, weren't needed in the most recent book of the Lady's precious book. Just the other day that fiery funeral consisted of 'It's' family boy 'tittle', the 'it's' family had thought of the word and created him and keep them as their own it was meant to be an accented way to say 'little' for the four-year-old boy character the Lady is writing for. But she thought that did not sit well with her, no it didn't and she marked it in the pile of words that are not useful. The 'it's' family is quite distraught they'll have to discard of tittle He was so kind innocent. Being so new and all he very much resembled the baby. The it's wanted to grow him up into a bigger better word but no Lady won't have it and since she cant' hear our thoughts and we can't see her, Tittle will have to be destroyed. . . tittle . . . tittle. . . tittle. . . tittl. . . titt. . . tit. . . ti. . . t. . . . . and just like that he was gone WAHHHHHHHHHHHH WAHHHHHHHHHHHHH MY BABY MY BABY the words have no place anymore on this page. where is this page going? where am I? I'm no where between the words market and apples. That's where I'm suppose to be. WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH MY BABY. WHY is somebody screaming? It's has just lost her baby ma'am tittle. . . Oh well that's a dear shame my heart goes out to you It's I'll stop by with Mr.Letter's famous Printing Pie. it will help the grief hunny. BAAAAAAAA thank you BAAAAAA       BAAAABBABAAA the sobbing can still be heard all the way till the end of the page. My goodness gracious Lady has got us in a uproar of chaos with this new book of hers. All over the place we are, I have never meet a woman so disagreeable as It's and the way the apostrophe can either exist or not exist. Honestly most complicated woman in my entire life. And her sobbing all over the place? Unacceptable. This town we don't have those kinds of emotions 'Unless they're written for us, Mrs. Books.' Ah yes I guess you're right at that, That. But good heavens this book needs to happen fast this page is driving me bonkers. . . LET US OUT LADY .  . .

NEWS FLASH NEW FLASH:

Lady has updated her book, she would like all the words to know that she has decided to keep them in their choas until further notice. WHHHHHHAT?! This is maddness, LADY MY NAME IS MADDNESS AND THIS WILL NOT STAND. . .

SILENCE. . . I am Lady this is just a writing exercise. No book is being written no book shall ever use this behavior and chaos on this page. Until it is tided up and fixed up proper. Where It's can perhaps be as proper as you, Mrs.Books one day. . . have I offended anyone here? It's is just as a person as you. And this meeting is run entirely by me. This page is being written the EXACT way I want it to be written so I'm sorry Mrs. Books but if you don't like it. I can have you characters name be thrown in the fire. . . AUDIBLE GASPS come from the crowd.

Mrs. Books. Well I never, I was simply saying. I know what you were saying Mrs. Books. that you have a way of order and I don't and that everything should be laid out in order before writing even begins. But see here's that idea and here's me tossing into the fire pit. Fuck that idea, excuse my french Mrs. Books but this is actually kind of fun pretending, while on a very intense sleep aid pill like I'm talking actually talking to the words that I'm writing. While not even speaking I'm just having this conversation in my head and writing it down at the same time. It's all so crazy isn't it? But awesome. This should be a book. Really it should be. Funny, witty, cute, humorous could be a kids book. That'd add a nice touch silly paintings to go in it. Anyways this meeting is adjourned for now. There is another pressing matter I must attend to before it slips my mind. Condolences to the families who lost words today. I can always bring them back, in other books just not in this one. I'm sorry.

Good day to you all.

Being Bullied

Holy shit I'm going to try and keep this short. But I'm watching Cyberbully right now and it has me crying and angry and fucking pissed off and then sobbing. I hate bullies. And I shouldn't because they're people who are insecure and have decided to take their insecurities out in a negative way. But what gives bullies the right to choose people who have a certain glow around them, an aurora of happiness and try and destroy it? You need to find a better way to put your angry and whatever is making you destroy peoples lives into a better outlet. I think bullies and the people being bullied all just need to talk to people. I was stubborn as hell when it was first brought up that I should see a therapist. I thought, I'll have to admit there's something wrong with me. I'll have to admit I always cry, I'll have to admit I'm always angry, I'll have to admit I used to cut myself, I'll have to admit that sometimes I wanted to die but I was too scared. I felt to much for my family and I didn't want to leave them. But here I am aren't I? Admitting all this? On a public site where people can publicly tear me down and destory me. But see they already have. I was destroyed a long time ago. I was literally torn to shreds and that evidence was marked on my skin. I seared my pain away with scissors on my write. Slow short movements because I was actually afraid of the pain and I didn't like it, didn't know why I was doing it but I had heard it reminded you you were alive, but for what purpose? That person was destroyed. That little girl before her gone and ripped away. But I'm a new person now. New found love for life.

But I'm going to be honest with you. . . I'm glad I was bullied the way I was. Now don't get me wrong I wish I was never bullied, I shouldn't have been and I don't know why I was a target of so much hate. I don't know what I did wrong and I literally cried myself to sleep every night in middle school asking myself that question. But if I felt that way then. In 3rd-8th grade. Facebook hit my 7th grade year, Myspace 6th. Cyberbullying hadn't been really a thought, what the fuck are the kids nowadays being bullied like? FUCK that. It makes me so angry. Like so fucking pissed. I AM HERE! I want you to find me and know that those bullies mean nothing. YOU know what they say isn't true and it sucks but please find people who will listen. Adults might sound lame, but sometimes they're the best to turn to to make you feel not so alone. I don't trust have of the kids in my age group. Which is probably why I have a very small circle of friends and that took years of them going through some serious shit with me and stuck with me to make me realize I could trust them. I am so thankful actions are being taken against cyberbullying. Because there's a scene (and yes I realize it's an ABCFamily movie but this actually happens so I don't think I'm taking this movie too literally) where the mother tries to call an attorney to try and fight for her daughter and the attorney goes "I can't do anything if it didn't happen in person." are you fucking kidding me? Her bullies almost committed murder because this girl tried to take her own life because of them. . . I have never cried so hard in my entire life. This subject upsets me so much. Whether you're being bullied because you're fat, gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, you're beautiful and I believe in you and everything you're capable of. Truth be told these people are the ones who will change the world, not the bullies, not the kids who spend their time bullying people in school instead of getting an education. And I don't want to hate on bullies. I want to help bullies. I want to help everyone. I try and not have a shit take on life, I really try and see good in people. But movies like this, make me realize maybe some people just don't have good. Because what kind of heart and soul 2can you have that deems this acceptable? To punish someone for nothing and punish them to their death. . . I wish suicide wasn't a concept something not possible something no one ever knew about. I don't like it. It honestly makes me break down into sobbing fits thinking about kids who are still just kids taking their lives and never getting to see what they turn out to be. If someone had told me 4-5 years ago. I'd be going to Community College right now, I'd not be working at Price Chopper anymore, I'd have found a perfect family to work for instead with three beautiful sons, one with Cerebral Palsy who is smarter than me, and one daughter, I'd tell you none of that will happen. But if I had taken my life in 7th grade, I'd never know. And honestly not meeting that family, not meeting my Jack, or my Matthew dude, or my Sammy man. Not going to GCC and meeting all the friends I have there. I can't imagine THAT.

Am I making ANY sense? I'm rambling I know that. My blogs seem to be about a bunch of random rants and weird shit. I just want to try and explain who I am. I want to try and explain that I feel so deeply, love so fiercely , am the most loyal person. I will have your back till the day I die. I feel the wind every day and take a moment to close my eyes and let it wash over me. I smell the grass every morning. I take a book out just to smell the pages, I bury my face into my dogs fur and breathe in her scent and hold on to her like she's the last thing I'll ever see again. I make myself cry just thinking about these things because for the last few years. After finding a therapist who I love so much feel comfortable texting and ranting about a bad day or a happy day or a whatever kind of day, after find the joy in my life I never thought possible I have no made it my life long goal to help you find yours. I want you to find your joy, to find your love that's inside you waiting to bust free. You have to start with admitting things to yourself, the good and the bad. I had to admit that I had feelings of failure and hatred that I thought myself ugly everyday and somedays I wanted to break the mirrors that showed my face. I had to admit all of that, which is easy the not so easy part is picking up those mirror shards, taping them together and looking at it and finding all my imperfections beautiful. On the outside, I love my long flowing hair, my sparkling ever changing eyes, I love my smile. On the inside, I love the way I love, I love the way I feel deeply for life. I know I'm beautiful. I also know my ugly side. You have to admit all this, feel it, let it go, bring it back and take in life again.

Please believe me. What people say to you won't matter years from now when you're somewhere else in the world and you never talk to those people again. You have to be the one that says I'm going to make it to that place where I never see those people again. I'm going to make it to the job I've always wanted, the country I've always wanted to visit. It's not six feet under letting the bullies win. They don't deserve that, you do.

Please fight. Please win. Don't give up. Don't let go.

Just another thing I wrote about the battle with depression

I suffer from depression and anxiety. I was bullied and teased everyday for being fat and ugly. I was told some horrible things and I believed in them everyday of my life from the second I woke up to the moment I went to sleep. Most nights I cried myself to sleep and in middle school I began to self-harm myself until some of my brave brave friends got me help. I have never thought about suicide because I know the devastating effects it would have on my entire family and my friends. But for those who do. I beg you to stick with me. To fight with me. Because believe me I know you’re pain. I know the heartache and I know deep darkness that surrounds you and makes you feel alone. But the thing is, is it just makes you. You can fight it you’re so much better than the darkness and the bullies that tease you. Stay with me. Fight with me. Life is so worth living for. Cause you know what? Two years later, after finally leaving high school, I have accepted my beauty. I am beautiful and I may be overweight or plus-size or whatever you wanna call me but I am beautiful. And this depression nags on me every day of my life and this darkness threatens my existence every day of my life. But I will fight it, and I will live because I have friends and family and beautiful dog worth living for. I have amazing dreams in store for my life and I actually love my school at the moment. I’m on the Dean’s list and I’m dancing and I’m writing and I’m doing everything it takes to be me and nobody else and it’s amazing. I’m making my own independent thoughts and it’s amazing. So stay with me, because I fucking feel you. Life sucks and it’s hard but don’t give up on it. Don’t give up on it. It gets better and I know you want it to be better right now but it takes time and you have to try and fight your way out of the darkness for it to begin but there are people that can help and there are people that want to say they love you. Like me, I love you. And I’m always here, it’s what I do. Mama Cass and all, that’s what they call me. So stay with me, fight with me. This battle is a tough one, but we’re soldiers you and me. And some say we’re weak but I think we’re the strongest of our kind. Because they don’t know what it’s like to live this way and still be here in the morning. They don’t know what it’s like to battle darkness everyday and survive. Fight. Stay. Live. Love. Laugh. And promise me to never give up. It will get better.
With all my love,
Cassidy

My depression

What have I done? The other day I was pulled over on the side of the road screaming my lungs out in rage and tears streamed down my face and no one was around me. I was alone. No one to save me, no one to put their arms around me, no one. And see I'm always there for anyone anytime of the day but I can't rely or let others do that for me. I need to be alone. Sometimes I often feel I deserve it but what have I ever done to deserve it? I don't know but that's a question I kept screaming along with 'Why me?' 'What have I done?' 'Why do I deserve this?' 'Why do I have to feel this way?'

What have I done? I can't begin to explain to you my depression a lot of people can't, a lot of people find it even hard to mention that they suffer from depression. Some people think it's a thing that will go away, others medicate themselves till they can't feel. People don't talk about it, people don't find help about it. But I can't do that. I can't shut myself up, but believe me I try. But the pain is to hard to bear to keep it in and so I try and rely on people and I try and tell them but could you handle all this? This baggage that I carry around, how can I expect someone to do this for me? To help me. But I need help. I need people to love me and I try so hard and you know what? People do. They love me and claim they love everything about me but they don't know the half of it. I feel a lot of people with depression think this way. They play pretend, happy, funny, loving, caring, kind, and you know what? I really am all of those things. But if I could just show you what's inside me. This demon eats me alive most days. I struggle to wake up, I struggle to sleep. I struggle to eat and when that begins I can't stop because I'm trying to feed my demon away for another day. Maybe make him stop tormenting me so much. This pain is unreal. It hurts more than the pain I suffer from my Chron's disease, which I was recently diagnosed with and am only learning to cope with. This pain I have suffered for two years now, but truthfully I can date it back all the way to the fourth grade maybe even longer than that. I was ripped from my innocence too early. I was teased and tormented to early and had to harshly succumb to the reality of this world. That it is cruel and it will tear down your dreams and it will rip away that pretty smile you wear on your face and make you replace it with a fake one.

What have I done? Tears stream down my face as I write this, quietly though seeing as it's midnight and I can't wake my family. They have no idea the pain I'm in. And I don't want to worry them. I never want to worry anyone. These burdens should be mine and mine alone. Right? I try so hard to make them mine but when I have the friends I do I feel so safe to tell them everything. And then I see them, their scared glances toward one another because I've made them uncomfortable, awkward, they don't know what to do. And they're frustrated because I keep bringing it up and they can only help me so much. But I'm driving them away. Expecting them to keep listening to me cry wolf. The same old story every time, pretty soon I'll turn into the boy who just gets eaten up by the wolf because people have stopped listening. I'm being very honest here because I'm not ashamed that I suffer from depression and anxiety. The ones who should be are the ones who relentlessly teased me for being fat. God forbid I like food. And it doesn't only stem from being called fat. I mean I can't really ever pinpoint why I feel the way I do. I just do. I try so hard to act right, whatever right is. But it's hard when I'm like this. In my deep hole I've come to call it. It's darkness surrounds me and cages me. Locks me tight away from the light and the air and the happiness. Away from my friends and my life. I just want to stay in bed most days.

What have I done? See I can stand here and be strong. I have been strong my whole life. I know my good qualities. I am a leader and I am brave. I'm brave enough to write this aren't I? Because people need to know what it's like. Depression isn't a joke and so many people suffer and just never know and fight so hard to be strong and then give up and I can't stand that. I want so badly to help you. Let you know that I will suffer my whole damn life with this but I will never give up because I know there are others like me. I am an intense person. I love life maybe more than others do and I make people uncomfortable because I love so strongly. But god damnit that's okay. And no one should be told that the life they lead isn't the right life. It is your life. You know people often tell me, when I tell them I'm getting ready to further my life. Apply for internships and find new colleges they tell me "How can you go away to another college when you couldn't go to the first one?" . . . Fuck them. I'm going to do this. On my own terms. You know I might've dropped out of college after one week and came home but you know who's decision that was? My fucking own. That was the first decision I can remember ever fully making where I didn't give a damn what people thought. Not my friends, not my family it was me. Call that selfish but I call that strength. I never would've started seeing a therapist, never would've seen a psychiatrist, never would've in a million years admitted that I was depressed although deep down I knew crying myself to sleep every night all through middle school wasn't okay. Calling my deep dark hole a home wasn't okay. So, with the help of my friends, I did all that. And yeah I'm on medication but let me tell you that it helps so much. You know except for right now and I'm in the funk I haven't been in months though. I mean months I have been happy and I have been putting my own life together and doing things my own way and loving it. I have been seeing the positive and loving it. And truth be told I think that I am so scared of that happiness lasting that I let the hole pull me back in for awhile. Because as sick as it is, it's my safety blanket. I'm afraid to be happy. Just like I'm afraid to be loved after having my heart trampled on. But I want to be. I want to love and be happy. But something in me, the demon won't let me. And you know I'm not all that religious but I was parked in front of a church when I had my break down and something about it made me want to laugh a little on the inside. Twisted right? But it just seemed odd to be breaking down, crying and screaming there. And when I looked over there was a sign that read "May the Good Lord Bless and Keep you." And I'm sorry there was something about that that made me cry even harder. Cause what I wouldn't do to believe in something like Him. To let my life be wrapped up in an unknown being and let them heal me and help me. But like I said I was ripped from my innocence to early and I just don't believe. I can like what God stands for, but I'm sorry I can't stand his followers.

So what have I done? But sit here and tell a computer, the internet, people unknown and known who might never read this what my depressions like. What my life is like what my mind goes through. It on a daily basis tries to get me to believe I am worthless and useless and unwanted and resented by my friends. And most days I believe it but I try so hard not to and I feel that should be enough but I know it isn't to some people that just isn't enough. I don't know what else to give but for the fact that I'll be here every day fighting. And I guess I want to share my story because I want you to know, whoever you might be, if you connect with this, fight with me. Stay. Because it sucks and I feel you believe me I fucking feel you. But leaving doesn't do any good. Because you just let the demon win, and I don't know about you but I'm a fierce bitch. I'm competitive and I don't like to lose. So the demon can try and eat me alive but it'll never get me. Not truly. Because there's something else in me, besides all the darkness I feel, besides the deep hole I get myself stuck in there's something else in me that knows there's more to life that just letting the demon win. I think it's the faces of my friends, the way dancing makes me feel, the way writing helps me express, the way the wind blows across my face, the sweet smell of grass and lilacs in the spring, the way water ripples across my skin, the way my dog snores and runs in her sleep, the way Harry fucking Potter kills Voldemort, the way Peeta loves Katniss, the way life just makes me step back sometimes and realize I will never let the demon win. And I will cry, and I will have many more terrifying break downs and I will make my friends uncomfortable and I will keep seeing a therapist and taking medications that make me better because I will be better. I can fight this. I have great things in my life that I never want to part from and why should I? Because a demon taunts me of all my flaws. We all have flaws and it's a downright lie if you think the bully who bullies you is perfect. Cause let me tell you something that bully probably has more problems then you do but they want to make it so you do, so you can be beneath them. But child, you never will be. You are always going to be so much better than any bully who ever tries to hurt you. Just stand your ground and stand strong.

So what have I done? I grew up in Vermont, that's one thing and if anything it might be the one thing that has truly saved my life. I have my soul mates here, my best friends. My dog, my family. I grew up around mountains that change with the seasons and make you stand back in awe. You love life in Vermont it's just a known fact. And I can't say what my life would be like if I never lived here, but because I do I can tell you this, this beauty of this state the way it makes me feel is indescribable but if I could try to put it into words it'd be this: I'm going to kick this demons ass. And that's just a known fact. So stick with me, and I guess we'll find out just how well I'll do. And I might have bruises, I already have scars but that's just life. And scars show that you're a warrior. I'm not gonna lie, I kind of love scars. And you know I write like it's so easy to accept all of this, but it's not and I know it's not and when I'm done here I'll probably go back to my cage and let it fill me with doubt and insecurities but I know there are places I can go to find strength and I know that little by little I'll try and accept it. I'll be stronger every day. That's a promise.

The Meat We Might Eat

So let me bring you up to speed here. It is January 9th, 2012 (approximately the second time I have ever written out 2012) and it is 2 in the morning. I have just arrived back at my house from a night out with my two favorite people. After some confusion and I'm pretty sure a second blog I just made out of frustration of said confusion I am here. Writing in what has been over a year for the very first time. Why has it taken me this long to write? After all I have missed writing very much and the answer is simple. For the past two years I have felt. . . uninspired. Uninspired with life, school was lame, my friends were gone (lame) and I was facing a deep depression that had me cut off all that I loved. . . including writing. But now those two years have turned into now, right now, me sitting here in a daze looking at my brightly lit computer screen fighting sleep but wanting to get this all down. But it's a lot to get down so I might give up at 3 am because I'm going to need to recap what a kind of year it's been since High School ended how my message of life has changed and then changed again. How my dark days turned to light and everything seems so freakin awesome now. Yes to right about the good I'm going to have to start with the past. Just a little past and veryyy summed up. For your benefit of course.


Now lets see, I just have some first things that have happened upon me I must write down before I forget. These are major. This one just came upon me. It has occured to me that a lot of people on the East Coast are angry. We've got mean New Yorks, Massholes, Connect-ti-oh well we're not going there and then the New Hampshits (hahahaha) and then us the Vermonsters (represent!) oh and then there's Maine, and Rhode Island and Maryland? Fuck is that on the East Coast (as I'm saying this I realize that I am thinking New England and that the East Coast is a grand scheme of many states, oops, whatevss). Anyways excuse my language I'm literally speaking in my head all of this and I'm kind of talking to myself while writing it down. So this is my language, to myself. Anyways but it doesn't make sense, why are we angry? Is it cause winter is such a cold-hearted bitter bitch? And it makes us East Coasters the same? Us East Coasters should unite. Show some solidarity and love, I mean think about it we are the Coast that the entire world looks to. Our time Zone is better than everyone elses. It is only the New Year when the ball has dropped live from New York. So everywhere else in America it doesn't count when it's midnight for you. It's 2012 bitches, the stock market begins with on East Coast standard time, along with TV shows and whatever the hell else. We have seen before the rest of America so that makes us the only part of America that matters. Right? I mean waddup? That's just my thought. This is totally going to be the stupidest thing I'll ever read in the morning.

But moving on to my life. In the past year I've dealt with my issues. I have been seeing a Therapist for over a year now and that has completely changed my life. I have taken on a new roll of honesty and happiness. I am really trying not to hold anything in. I want to be an open book and in many ways I am. When I write I am not afraid to share my entire life story. Because I know that it's up to you the reader whether you really want to read it or not. So really to me it seems like I'm just writing to myself and I'm also really not afraid of what peoples comments are on my writing, I will never hear them. Like when I wrote Cody a letter professing my love, which in somes ways is what this entire change in my life stems back to I wasn't afraid. Writing a letter may seem 8th grade but it was the best way I knew how. I knew that writing him a letter I would leave myself uncensored and hold nothing back. Which is exactly what I did, and I left it on his doorstep and ran but that's not the point. I had the courage, the balls to tell someone how I felt. I am not to this day ashamed of the way I did it, because it was me, the real me. A letter, writing, all the words I knew I'd never find if I was confronting him face to face. So this is why I'm starting my blog again. Because I need to write of all the feelings that I'll never find words for if I try and speak them out loud. Of all the stories I need to share that I can't possibly remember if I don't have somewhere to put them. I need to write, so here we begin again:

So far it's been almost two weeks into 2012 and I already feel my life changing and this being such a good year for me. I turn 20 in less than a month and will be in Canada celebrating with my best friends. In a year I am most definitely going to be in Ireland with a friend that I believe is going to become more like my sister because of this trip. I might be going to Florida in April. The point to all of this is, is that everyone thinks that if you stay in Brattleboro, or the town you grew up in. Never go to school or have those kind of goals you're going to be stuck there working a dead end job. And you know what that does end up being some peoples life. But I'm here to prove that statistic wrong. See, I'm not committed to school right now. I spent what? like 16 years in school, I was exhausted and hated it by the time I was done and when I got to school and sat in my first class I honestly thought what the fuck am I doing here? Sure as I looked out to my right my class room overlooked the beauty that is Lake Champlain and in a lot of way Champlain College is still my dream school and Burlington is still my dream place to live. But not right now. When I came home and started working with the Lyfords and I met Jack, Matthew and Sammy. And got to work those few brief (and hectic, crazy) months with Chole and Zoey I learned so much from these children and this wonderful family who is like all others but on a totally other planet. This family exceeds all measure, has been put to all tests and still proves that love conquers all. I can only dream to have a family this wonderful of my own someday, I can only dream to be as great of a parent as mine have been to me. So willing to accept that I wasn't ready for school, still proud of me, always proud of me their faith in me never falters and they believe I can change the world. The way my dad's jaw drops whenever I read him anything I write. The way my mother beams with pride is more than I can ever ask for. Their unconditional love in me is what is inspiring me to move on. I need to be able to move on from all that I have been hiding myself under these last few years. I have been living in a safety net. Staying close to home and my dog and my parents and I know that I have been doing that these past few years but suddenly I'm not afraid to leave them anymore. I know that I can always come back. I'm ready to be as proud of myself as my parents are of me. I want to travel, and hopefully when I'm done I'll be inspired to go full speed into my schooling and come out a Literary Agent. I have never been so sure in my life that this is what I want to do with it. I have never been so sure I'm going to be an author one day, even if it is one or two books that fail miserably and only the people I know in my small town buy it from our one Local Bookstore because this town takes hella pride in the people that achieve something beyond this level. And somehow that sounds perfect to me. Thinking of being an author, and probably failing sounds good to me. I will have made my town and state proud and there is nothing that I'll be more happy about than that. Because I am so proud of where I'm from I am so happy to be from Brattleboro and everyday I find something new to love about it. I don't ever understand why people hate this place so much, they say it's filled with drama and all these people they can't stand but you know what. I hate every single person I went to high school with (except of course the people I still talk to, you obviously know who you are) and this town is as small as it gets and I'm pretty good at never running into these people. I'm also good at keeping myself away from the drama. If you hate it and these people so much make an effort to avoid it. Otherwise you know deep down you're an attention whore that craves it, too much? Well it's true in some cases. But whatever, these people have a right to their opinion just like I stand by my very first blog where I say that Vermont is the best place to grow up. People vacation here during the summer, fall, winter and spring months. Why? Because you learn to fucking love life here. These mountains that turn lush green, snowy white and burn the colors of red, yellow and orange, make you take a step back and breathe. Relax. The stars at night and the way the full moon is the only light you need makes you realize there's nothing like nature, like living life to your fullest. And that's what I've learned here. That I'm going to do just that and I'm going to get out of here and when I come home will be so moved by the beauty I'll surely forget that I know I'll probably shed a few tears. The beauty of the world amazes me every time I step outdoors, I'm just ready now to let it amaze me all over the world. Starting in Ireland, possibly London and then who knows in the years to come where I'll be and where I'll go.

Here's another thing that I have come to appreciate:
I am suppose to be a broke ass college student. And that might seem strange to say but you know what? It's 100% true. I freak out and have anxiety attacks about the minimal bills I have to pay and the gas I have to have to get from here to there and there's not a damn thing I can do about it. That's life. It's a struggle, money is a problem, why stress? I always seem to make it, with the help of my parents or working extra hours or cleaning like hell around the house to find a few extra quarters. That's life. That's the life of a college student or anyone becoming an adult. It also tends to lead to some great stories. Like going to the cheapest greatest diner a half hour from here to buy a piece of pie and then sit there for hours with the greatest company, stuffing six crackers in your mouth, or eating cinnamon or trying to chug a cup of syrup. Laughing till you have tears in your eyes, running to the bathroom so you don't pee your pants and making great memories from absolutely nothing. Having movie marathons of movies we own and have seen a thousand times. Finding the most random ingredients or types of food in your friends house and just eating all of it. Wasting your money on gas just to go back road driving, on all the roads you have been driving on since you were fifteen. That's the good life. And no money in the world would make me wanna trade this life, honestly and seriously, although it would help if it was offered, but as long as I could keep this life. Just free money, that'd be awesome. But that's all I think I need to remind myself about right now. . . Be a broke ass college student, live life, prove people wrong, travel and don't commit if you don't want to. I don't know why I ever felt like such a failure, sure I had the right too at the time but now I've come out on the other side refreshed, ready to start anew and get this year rolling. It's going to be amazing and every story I'm going to be proud about to share with my kids someday. (How I Met Your Mother phase, except phase isn't a good word because phase is something you grow out of and lets face it when I like something, I LOVE it and obsess over it for the rest of my life. that's just me. :) it's really got me thinking about my life plans and the great stories I want to tell my children about my life. Like their amazing aunts who aren't even my blood sisters but should be. Or their great family or their mother's choices to live a different life and not follow the norm and tell them to do the same, to do whatever they want, live their life and make their own stories. I'm going to love and be proud of them no matter what.

And this is why I write, because it's all the things I'll know I'll forget to say or even possibly forget as my mind makes way for new adventures and stories it might shelve the best ones and make me forget about them. And I don't want to ever forget. So hopefully this blog is around years from now so I can read these to my children, or maybe I'll make every passage into a memoir of my life and read that to them when they're older. Who knows, I don't, and I don't think I want to. I'm just going to let life hit me and I'll take it as it comes, that's the best way to live it right?

Anyways this has literally taken me a week to write and I'm almost positive the stuff I wrote at the beginning makes absolutely no sense anymore. But I'm gonna keep it. So here we are. My first blog in over a year. Feels pretty good.

With all my love,
CassidyDoris<3

PS Sorry about the title, it can't be explained. Gentlements agreement. HUZZAH!

Harry Potter is my life

These pictures are a complete representation of my life and love for all things Harry Potter. A complete summary of my childhood. I owe so much to JK Rowling. <3

Harry Potter

Harry Potter- Tell about a scar on your body.
Ron Weasley- Something you’re afraid of.
Hermione Granger- A subject you know a lot about.
Draco Malfoy- Closest green item to you.
Severus Snape- Your favourite alcoholic beverage.
Rubeus Hagrid- Your favourite animal.
Luna Lovegood- Something about you other people find weird.
Neville Longbottom- Your favourite flower.
Nymphodora Tonks- Something you would change about your appearance.
Fred and George Weasley- The last prank you pulled on someone, or someone pulled on you.
Voldemort- If you were to make a Horcrux, it would be…
Moaning Myrtle- The last thing to make you cry.
Sirius Black- Have you ever taken the blame for something you didn’t do?
Dobby- What is your most loved article of clothing?
Peeves the Poltergeist- What is the best/funniest insult you’ve used/heard?
Sybill Trelawney- When was the last time you experienced Deja Vu?
Filius Flitwick- What is your favorite spell from the Harry Potter series?
Lily Potter- Is there anyone you love so much you would die for?
Arthur Weasley- What piece of “Muggle” technology fascinates you most?
Mundungus Fletcher- Have you ever stolen anything?
Viktor Krum- If you were a Quidditch player, what position would you play?
Fleur Delacour- What physical attribute do you like most about yourself?
Hedwig- What was your all-time favorite pet, or, if you’ve never had one, your all-time favorite birthday gift.
Albus Dumbledore- What is your proudest accomplishment? (Dumbledore’s is, of course, being featured on a Famous Wizards Chocolate Frog Card)
Minerva McGonagall- What spell have you always wanted to use?


Harry Potter- Well funny story actually, I actually have a scar on my forehead. Well not really my forehead it's more like my hair line right above my forehead, but it makes me sound like Harry Potter if I say forehead. Anyways I got it from a brick hitting my head. Yes a brick. It was a booby trap set up by a rude man who didn't want me and my friends exploring an abandoned apartment that was right above his. I mean I get now we were suppose to be up there but setting up a booby trap is highly unnecessary.  But the scar is super legit, I don't think I'm the only child or actually person who loves scars. I mean they're a reminder of the badass adventures you did. Stories to tell and marks to show people to make the story seem more legit. I love having battle scars. :)


Ron Weasley- I am absolutely terrified of the dark. I have been ever since I was a little kid and I can't pinpoint the exact moment. I mean there was this one time my cousin was babysitting me and his sister, and it was late at night and he watched 'I Know What You Did Last Summer' and for some reason never told us not to watch it so we did and it scared us shitless and then suddenly after the movie he just left. So I ended up calling my dad because we were terrified, my cousin has never been yelled at more in his life I think. My dad was sooooo pissed. But anyways I'm pretty sure I was scared of the dark long before that and I don't know why. I just always have been and it's a fear I'm trying to kick but it's hard to overcome. Imagine what my boggart would look like, I wonder how it would make darkness and what would happen if I said 'riddikulus' I mean how do you make darkness funny?

Hermione Granger- Well Harry Potter obviously and I'm serious. If Harry Potter were a class, and it really should be I'd probably ace it. And it's not like facts about Harry Potter but it's like the life of the actors and crew members. I mean I am highly into Harry Potter and I do my research and I do it to an absurdly scary amount. To put it into perspective if I spent as much time on my schoolwork as I did Harry Potter I'd be getting A's in all my classes, no joke. But okay let's talk school classes. I'm really very good at English, I'm mainly great at writing creative essays and I love to read. I plan on pursuing a career in English. I am very interested in Journalism and writing my own books. But I also lately have been thinking about how amazing it'd be to be an Agent for an upcoming writer. You know? Help them publish there books, I'd get to read tons of manuscripts and seeing as I love to read seems like an awesome job to me and then I also have room to write my own things and have the sources to get them published cause I'd be my own agent. The only thing is, is I really need to figure out how I go about this career path.

Draco Malfoy- The closest green object to me is probably my purse. But I wish there was more to Malfoy then a green object. Haha.

Severus Snape- I'm not sure why he is related to alcohol. Is it because of AVPS, where his sitting there just drinking away or has JK Rowling mentioned he's a drinker before? I'm not sure anyways I like fruity drinks  and you can say what you want but I'm not a big drinker in general. I don't like the taste of beer and doing shots of vodka just feels gross, especially if you get the cheap kind that tastes like nail polish remover. I mean really that stuff is nasty. So anything fruity is how I drink.

Rubeus Hagrid- Well I love animals in general. And I used to want to be a Vet at one point because I loved them and just wanted to take care of them. So if I could choose any of the teachers, I'd probably love to be Hagrid's intern and learn all of his amazing knowledge on the magical creatures of Harry Potter. But I love dogs especially my own Mia. She's my best friend and probably knows more about me than anyone I know. I love horses and wish I could ride them, I still have a dream of owning a farm, just to own and take care of horses one day. I think this dream is solely because I'm a Vermonter and owning farms is a dream of everyones. Hahaha. But I also love dolphins and whales, I love water and oceans and am an Aquarius so it all really fits.  Ummm I don't know I just love animals. If we were to be talking Harry Potter, hippogriffs are for sure the best mix of horse and bird. They're beautiful and I'd love to be able to fly.

Luna Lovegood- Well people think I'm weird for loving Harry Potter as much as I do but I don't really care. People think I'm weird for just simply loving as much as I do. I love completely and with all my heart. I will care about you and protect you and be there for you whenever you need me. I love people because they think that no one does. And that's simply not true.

Neville Longbottom- My favorite flower has got to be Bleeding Hearts. And I'm not sure if a lot of people know what Bleeding Hearts are (Google, but make sure to add flowers in there or else it might not be pretty) but they are just beautiful to me. They always have been. I also love Lilacs, we have a huge bush next to our house that acts as a fence against our neighbors and in the spring they bloom so beautifully and when my windows are open my room instantly smells wonderful. I loveee those Lilacs in the spring.


Nymphadora Tonks- I'd probably change my legs. I mean they're chubby and annoying.


Fred and George Weasley- Honestly just reading their names together makes me cry. Whenever, wherever I see Fred and George Weasley I just wanna break down into sobs. But anywho not the point, I'm actually not very good at pranks. I'm great at hiding and doing the whole 'gotcha' thing but pranks I'm not fantastic at. And I can't remember the last prank that was pulled on me.

Voldemort- Well see, I'd never actually be able to make a Horcrux. I'd never be able to kill a person just to rip my soul apart, and I actually really love my soul and want it intact. I also don't believe in any of the beliefs Voldemort does. Making the magically world all Pure Bloods, pleaseeee. But I will however answer the question, which is a strange on indeed. Well I'd need something that was so valuable to me. Something that meant the world to me write? And I'd honestly probably say my stuffed animal Beethoven. It probably has the most connection to me out of everything and would be the first thing I would think of.

Moaning Mrytle- Um, the last thing to make me cry probably would've been when I was watching Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows the other day. But if we're talking things that aren't movies and such well I guess to be plain, life. The stress of life. Money problems, car problems, the fact that I always feel alone, even with the greatest friends in the world, I always feel alone.

Sirius Black- You know what, I feel like it's engraved in me to take the blame for things I didn't do. But I haven't had to do that a whole lot of my life because my friends and I don't really get into all that much trouble. And I mean we're clever about it if we do, do anything that's worth getting into trouble. But I can't remember a time if I ever did, but I probably have. 


Dobby- Socks of course. Hahaha, no just kidding. Um my most beloved article of clothing. I don't know that's strange. I mean I don't really care a lot about my clothing. I mean obviously I do because I bought it for myself and it must've looked good or something but I don't know if there's a piece of clothing that I love a lot and never wanna throw away.


Peeves- The best insult I've ever used and this is actually truly offensive and I never meant it in that way. It was all meant in good fun and honestly no one took it as offensive but people reading this might. I had this friend once, and I'll change his name because I can. But we called him Mike the Mexican. Well cause he was Mexican. And we were playing football once when his sister drove by and stopped to ask him something. We were all laughing and teasing him and we always tease him for being Mexican and never in a rude way, we don't take it that far and he always laughed and made fun of himself. Which I know seems like, well of course he did because he doesn't know how to tell you guys he hates it, but really I always asked him if he wanted us to stop and I always told him he needed to tell us if we were being rude. But he honestly didn't care. And I remember him looking over at us and I just went "Look at him looking at us like we're boarder patrol." And I don't think I've ever made my friends laugh as hard as they did and I don't think they ever looked at me with such awe. Because I'm really bad at making jokes or coming up with jokes or just being funny in the moment. I'm that cheesy, corny person who makes really really lame jokes. But this was a good one, one of my best.

Sybill Trelawney- It's truly funny this should be asked because just the other day I actually had deja vu. And it was when I was at work, I babysit for a family of currently five children. And I was outside with these two girls the family is currently fostering and we were buy the monkey bars and they were trying to climb up and they're only 1 and 2 so clearly I didn't want them on the monkey bars cause they were going to get seriously hurt and I had this moment when I went to pick the one year old up and off the bars and it just happened. Where it all felt like I had done this before, which is so weird because it's like I knew at some point in my life I'd be meeting these two girls. I fully believe in deja vu and that's it's real. Haha.


Filius Flitwick- My favorite spell. Well I think that 'Accio' is truly awesome. And sometimes I wish it were real for when I'm lazy and don't want to get up and get something. I love all the spells. I think 'Alohomora' is a brilliant and useful spell. Away from spells I find Apparating and Disapparating extremely useful and I wish it were real. I'd love to own a broom and fly.


Lily Potter- I would without a doubt die for my parents, my friends, my dog if I had too. I mean really I mean this seems odd but I love all of these people more than my own life. I couldn't go on living without them, so I'd willingly take my life if it meant I didn't have to go on living without them. And this is why people think I'm odd. My love runs deeper than a lot of people believe it does.


Arthur Weasley- The function of a rubber duck? Again just kidding. I just love making Potter jokes. But I find all of todays technology fascinating. I mean the things the world is working on. In a college down in Texas they're working on a real invisibility cloak. I mean fo reallll that's some sick stuff.


Mundungus Fletcher- This is something I am not proud of and wish I didn't have to admit to but I am being completely honesty with every one of these answers. And my answer to this is yes. Completely harmless things, but that's just making an excuse. I didn't do it to feel cool, I don't even know why I did it. But it was most definitely a phase I learned from and as much as it is wrong I think it's a phase all kids have to go through. Some learn, some don't.

Viktor Krum- I'd most definitely be Keeper. I have a really good eye. And if I had a great broom, my reflexes are on hyper speed when my adrenaline is going. I am also extremely competitive and I feel like Keeper is my best position for this. 

Fleur Delacour- I love my eyes. And I really love my skin color, or tone I guess you'd say. I tan very easily and have naturally tan skin to begin with so I just stay tan throughout winter and love it.

Hedwig- As I mentioned with Hagrid. My favorite pet is my dog Mia. She is truly an amazing dog, she is so smart and loving. When she was a puppy she hated when I would cry and we also used to play this game where I'd hide under my covers and call out to hear and she would whimper and cry and dig underneath my covers to find me and then lick my face as if saying "Don't do that again, you scared me" She cares about me so much and I know that's a weird thing to know about an animal but I know that she does. She it my constant, she is always there for me. She keeps me company and lets me ramble onto here even though she'd rather be sleeping. She's such an amazing best friend, I love her to death. 

Albus Dumbledore- My greatest achievement is living my life right now in this moment. There are a lot of things that I am doing differently with my life that I wasn't over a year ago. I'm more just a little bit healthier, not by much and don't get me wrong I love food and I'll eat what I want. But I know that I need to do it slowly. And not all the time and I what I want and what I need are two different things. I'm way more active, walking and dancing a lot. I'm constantly outside and chasing the little kiddos I babysit around. I'm making my own life. I'm paying my own school bills and I just feel so independent and I feel like that's a great accomplishment. I mean I still live at home, sure but eventually I won't. Eventually it'll be time for me to transfer and I'll need to move out and go on to bigger and better things. But I know that when that time comes I'll be able to do that and I'll be ready. And I feel great knowing all these things.

Minerva McGonagall- I have always wanted to use Stupefy or Petrificus Totalus or that awesome spelly Ginny uses in the fifth movie, I don't know if it's in the book though but she like blows up that dummy Death Eater into dust and everyone is like back the fuck up. You're awesome. That spell looks sickkkkk. I also wouldn't mind making all the statues come to life to defend Hogwarts. That was pretty badass. Not to mention the music that accompanies that whole scene, just chillin and beautiful!

And look at that. I'm done. That was so much fun! Really!

There are a few more things I'd like to add. Like a Voldemort/Harry complex. Which would you choose out of the Deathly Hallows? The Cloak, Wand or Stone.

My answer would easily be the Cloak. It'd be so much fun to maneuver around unseen. I don't think I could handle all the power the Wand possess to be honest. I would certainly not go crazy with it and I, like Dumbledore probably could keep it all hushed up but I'd just be afraid of it's power and afraid of the people that want it's power. I don't want to die because of a Wand. And I fully understand the power of the after life, I understand that once loved ones leave this world they are accepted into another. I think it is beyond selfish to try and bring them back no matter how much I love them and want to see them again. In time I will but I should not want to bring them back and have them be unhappy, it would drive me mad to see them unhappy.

Andddd I think that's it. Anyways I realize I haven't written on here in more than a year now and I think it's time I get back to my writing. So I'll be here a lot more often now.

With love,
CassidyDoris