The scariest place I’ve seen . . . 3.3.10.
It’s
deep and dark here, I feel like I can’t breathe here. It’s so silent
here, I start hearing things, my own thoughts. Doubting me, judging me,
scaring me until all I can do it back away and out. I wear a fake mask
portraying my confidence and happiness, until I’m alone. It falls away
until I’m left open and raw, stuck once again in what feels like a cage.
I can’t fly away here. I can’t get out, I start to panic. I’m banging
on this cage now, yelling into the darkness, until all I can do it sink
deeper into myself. Swallowed up by tears and self-hate. I feel I can’t
get out now, nor have I ever been. But my mask protects me, makes me
safe and calm. Until those days where I find myself listening to my deep
inner thoughts calling me from within the cage. “You’ll lose Cassidy.”
“No one will love you.” “You’ll never be beautiful.” “You’ll lose everything.”
And then I believe them and the cage laughs as I get sucked back in.
Laughs as I cry and whisper, “I know, I know.” My shaking body is the
only thing that makes me open my blurry eyes and look around my room.
Look out my window at the bright new day. I have to find strength
somewhere, so I pull on my mask and tell my cage, “Not today Cage, not
today. No, today, I think I’ll live.” It whispers to my that it will
always be there, that deep, dark cage. Waiting for me. And I believe it,
because it is apart of me, forever, sadly. But every time I make the
decision to not listen, my mask becomes apart of the real me. And soon
I’ll be able to ignore the cages meaningless taunts, as long as I choose
to make the decision to live and not listen. Live with the promise that
there’s so much more to life than this cage calling out to me that
there’s nothing left, I know that it lies. But for now I fear I will
always find myself stuck there from time to time, but the time gets less
and less everyday.
